I am officially a crazy person…

So we are back at it trying to have a baby. We actually started last month, but I think our timing was off. Honestly I really have no clue because I was just using my 4 apps. Yes, I have 4 apps with different info put into each one. 2 of them include the previous pregnancy and miscarriage, and 2 are free of that information. Makes for a very long fertile window. And an exhausted hubby…whoops.

This cycle, I have started taking my temperature because I am dying to know whether or not I ovulate and also WHEN that date is. After not knowing if we even timed it right, this will hopefully put my mind at ease. Additionally I am looking for my fertile signs by checking my cervical mucus and cervical position.

Well, it’s turned me into a crazy person. I felt like we had timed it right, and then I was having a lot of lower abdominal pain and my signs were all pointing toward impending ovulation. Then my temp spiked from 97.1 to 97.6. My low temps are all at about 97.1 and lower so I thought for sure I got it right. Awesome! Except it dropped today back to 97.1. And I have perfect cervical mucus. So maybe I was wrong. And I’m so paranoid that I was wrong that I rescheduled my dinner with my Dad to tomorrow so we can get one more love session in before I anticipate to see a spike.

I guess this is the problem with never having done this before. There is nothing for me to compare my chart to. If I look back to when I had my miscarriage, I can speculate that I ovulated around CD 21…which is today. I’m totally over-analyzing but I will not rest well if we don’t try tonight. I’ll feel like we missed it this cycle. At least I’ll feel like we tried everything.

In other news, I should have been 5 months yesterday. We would be finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I felt so much that it was a boy, but we’ll never know. It’s probably better that way but it’s still hard to think about what could have been. I haven’t cried 2 months and I don’t feel any need to cry. I just get a little sad and then I move on with my day.

It’s weird that I think about my miscarriage the most right when I’m ovulating and during the two week wait. It’s probably due to the stress of not knowing. Also, I want to be pregnant yesterday, and it’s so hard to be patient. I am not scared to find out I am pregnant again but I have many fears about once I actually am pregnant (assuming I can get pregnant again, and I believe I will). I try very hard to not think about those fears until I actually cross that bridge. It seems unnecessary to dwell on something that hasn’t even happened yet.

Fingers crossed that this is it!


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