One year ago today I had my first positive pregnancy test. I remember the day so well (it helps that it is my Dad’s birthday). I took a cheap test in the morning before I left for work, and when it was positive I bought a “weeks estimator” test and took it in the bathroom at work. I came home and bought a Niners onesie to help surprise my hubby with the news. He was shocked since we had not even started “trying” yet. We were so excited and happy.
I have several friends, co-workers, a Mom, and a sister-in-law who had miscarriages so it was definitely on my mind, but I really thought it wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am, 365 days later, with no baby and a second miscarriage under my belt. It seems unreal that it’s been a year since the positive test and in three weeks or so it’ll be a year since the first missed miscarriage.
Yesterday affected me so much more than today. It must have been the anticipation leading up to today. I had dinner with a friend last night (the one I was suppose to be pregnant with who now has a 5 month old) and she let me do his bath, feed him his bottle, and put him to bed while she made dinner. While I was feeding him his bottle, the tears just started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor could I wipe them. Her son just looked at me with a concerned furrowed brow , as if to say “why are you crying”? Then he snuggled with me. It was a magical and sadly emotional experience that I am thankful to have had. I still have hope that I can someday have that moment with my own child.
My husband is out of town and I think that may have contributed to my feelings as well. We talked on his drive and I explained what happened. It sparked a great conversation on how the two of us experience loss and sadness differently and we need to discusse these things so we know how, and when, to support each other. He mourned our loss at the time of the event, while I have been having bouts of sadness all throughout the last 11 months. My feelings come up a lot less often now, but it’s still there and very real.
I am learning, still, that grief sneaks upon us when we least expect it.