The Worst Experience of My Life

Dear blog friends,

I am so sad to tell you that our beautiful baby, Colton, passed away and was born still on 2/24/2019 at 6:09pm. He was so beautiful and tiny, perfect in every way. My husband and I are devastated. I never in a million years thought I would experience this, even though I am intimately familiar with the risks of pregnancy, especially with my history.

I will be writing much more about the experience, the postpartum period, and what the heck we are going to do next in the coming weeks. It will hopefully be a therapeutic experience for me, and also I hope it will keep his memory alive.

Lastly, I hope with all my heart that if you have gone through this traumatic experience you know that you are not alone and I am so sorry to share this bond with you. The isolation is one of the most difficult parts, as no one knows him except my husband and I, and no one will ever get to know him.



25 thoughts on “The Worst Experience of My Life

  1. Vee

    I am heartbroken for you. I’m so sorry that you and your family had to experience this – no one should ever have to. Thinking of you and wishing you peace xx


  2. lyra211

    Oh, no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I am so very, incredibly sorry for you. I am crying as I type. I wish I could wrap you in a huge, warm hug. It is so unfair. It doesn’t matter how lucky you are in other dimensions… there’s just something universally horrifying about having to give birth to a dead baby. I hope that you and your husband and little A are holding each other tight right now. Is someone feeding you? Reminding you to take showers and get some fresh air? Please take care of yourself, friend. There are so many people who love you and want to help you, and don’t be afraid to let yourself lean on them for a while. I will be holding you in my thoughts. ❤


  3. mylifeasacasestudy

    Oh God RJ, my heart just stopped when I read this. My wbole heart goes out to you and your family. Colton is an awesome name, and we will speak it often–talk when you are ready. Take care of yourself and focus on healing and processing your grief. XOXO


  4. reachingrainbow

    So sorry for your loss, momma. We just lost our son Omie at 21+5 only 7 weeks ago so I’m right here in this grief with you. Thank you for sharing Colton’s story. You are all in my prayers ❤


  5. ourgreatestdesire

    Oh RJ, I’m just now seeing this. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do or say that could help, but know that I’m sending all my love your way. Hugs.



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