Category Archives: Miscarriage

Here we go…again…

July marks the month where we start trying again. I literally cannot believe that I’m writing those words. After 5 years of TTC, we are still at it. It’s such a surreal feeling.

July 9th was the 5 year anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test. We got pregnant on the first try. Living the dream, right? WRONG! It is unbelievable that after getting pregnant so easily I have experienced 5 miscarriages, a stillbirth, a uterine anomaly diagnosis, DOR and the miracle birth of my daughter. The whole story sounds like it’s someone’s nightmare, but nope, it’s my real freaking life. And I am actively choosing to continue what I assume will add more depth to the nightmare. Sometimes I seriously wonder what is wrong with me and why do I have such a desire to experience pregnancy and a successful live birth again after all we’ve been though. But I’m just not ready to give up on my body. I want this journey to end on my terms instead of on the shitty terms I’ve been dealt.

I have thought a lot about how I wish I had a different (in)fertility diagnosis. For example, I wish I needed IVF to conceive but was able to carry pregnancies with no issues. Or I wish I had a uterine septum instead of a unicornuate uterus. Obviously I have no idea what another road would have been like so I cannot really speculate that I would have preferred another path, but it certainly seems like it would have been less painful. Although, as I’m learning, pain is relative, so it’s likely I would have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings on another journey.

I had my cycle day 3 labs and AMH redrawn and boy are they shitty. My AMH had cut in half in 11 months from 1.2 to 0.6. My FSH is 14 but my E2 is 84, which means my FSH is being artificially suppressed and is likely higher. So now I’m in the full blown DOR zone and not just the likely DOR gray area. It makes me so upset that Colton died and that he may have been my last shot at a normal embryo. I hate the uncertainty of this road and that I have no idea if I will even be able to get pregnant again. But then I think about how I made 2 normal embryos last year and it can’t be that bad yet, right? I’m only 35 and while that’s considered to be of geriatric age for getting pregnant, so many people get pregnant and have no problems at this age and above. There was also a study that came out in 2017 basically saying that having low AMH and/or high FSH showed no difference in the ability of a non-infertile woman to get pregnant naturally. So I’m hoping that since I have never had a problem getting pregnant I am considered “non-infertile” and  I will still be able to get pregnant. Hopefully I still have some good quality eggs left. Too bad my uterus sucks and I have to gamble that the normal embryo implants in the right spot. Lastly I really hope that D&C did not screw up my lining but only time will tell.

Since March I have been taking ubiquinol, prenatal vitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, vitamin D, extra folic acid, and a B complex vitamin in hopes to improve my egg quality. I also re-read “It Starts with the Egg” by Rebecca Fett and have re-committed myself to eliminating toxins from my household items and food as much as I possibly can. I also plan to re-introduce baby aspirin next month (which I am a bit scared to do since I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn since Colton’s delivery, but it’s been a lot better recently). Since June I am also eating  no processed carbs, no dairy, no alcohol and no coffee. The no processed carbs and dairy are really easy for me. I had wine/beer on my vacation but that is actually easy for me to eliminate as well. I just wanted to enjoy my vacation and my 6 year wedding anniversary. But man do I love coffee. I did quit for a month, but started again this past week on vacation so now I have to eliminate it again.  There is something so magical about a cup of coffee in the morning. I sound like an addict…

And that’s where I’m at. Overall I am doing just fine considering my baby died 4.5 months ago. We’ve done a lot of fun things, and I am really enjoying my toddler a lot. She’s at such a fun age. I know I sound really negative in this post but I think a lot of it is apathy. It just seems like it’s a futile attempt so I just am finding it hard to really commit to putting my all into trying again. But then I really want to have another baby and there is always the underlying hope that maybe, just maybe, it will actually happen.

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20 week ultrasound

So in my true blogging form I am late to the game once again. My 20 week ultrasound was a week and a half ago and I’m happy to report that everything looks within normal limits with the baby! He is measuring on track with dates so far, which is a huge relief. And we confirmed that he actually is a he.

My cervix is measuring 3.2cm which is still in the reassuring range, but of course I’m concerned that it’s been shortening every two weeks. I started in the 5cm range, down to 4cm and now closer to 3cm. I held steady around 4cm for my last pregnancy. Hopefully my cervix check this week will show no change and I can stop worrying about it (yeah right, I am a huge worrier).

Next up is my last cervix check at 22 weeks, and then I will have a growth scan around the 30 week mark. With baby A, the growth scan at 30 weeks was where the IUGR was diagnosed so I’m hoping that history doesn’t repeat itself.

I’ve been feeling movement since 15 weeks but over the last week it’s become very frequent and it’s getting stronger. I even saw a kick through my belly the other night. My husband has been able to feel him this past week as well, which has been great for bonding.

My Braxton hicks contractions have been increasing in frequency over the past week as well. I hate that I feel them so early. I’m always concerned they are going to turn into preterm labor. I’ve also had some period-like pain that I’ve been attributing to round ligament pain (this has been my norm for weeks). It’s been way worse this pregnancy but luckily it’s only severe for 10-15 mins before subsiding.

I finally started telling people at work, and it’s certainly time because I cannot hide I anymore. Hilariously enough I have a co-worker who is due 2 days before me! She also waited until the 20 week mark to say anything. I know she and her husband had a hard time conceiving (although I don’t know the details) so I am super ecstatic for her! Sadly, I have another co-worker who is currently experiencing her third miscarriage in a year. She had a late miscarriage at 18 weeks where her water just broke out of nowhere, followed by two first trimester miscarriages. I’m so sad for her and I did my best to offer her support yesterday when she told me (I disclosed my five miscarriages to her) but I’m still unsure how much support she wants from the pregnant girl so I’ll just keep checking in.

In other news, we are potty training A. She is still in diapers for naps and nights but she’s doing great otherwise. She still poops in her diaper but has also pooped in the potty several times as well. I initially didn’t want to bribe but my husband started giving her 3 chocolate chips if she poops in the potty and that has helped immensely. She doesn’t need any bribing for pee. We had one day this week where she peed herself FIVE times in an afternoon and I though we had completely regressed, but it’s now been almost 4 days and no accidents since then. She is also doing great at daycare using the potty. I hope it keeps going well.

Wishing everyone all the best in the new year!

Meeting with the new RE

We had our meeting with our new RE this week, Dr. H2. Overall it went well, I liked him a lot. Kind, easy to talk with, organized and no bullshit. He had all my results and his recommendations typed up when we got into his office, and he reviewed everything with us from that sheet (and I got a copy of it)!

My FSH is up to 15.3 (from 13ish in Sept. 2015). So worse, but not by much. My AMH, however, is still 1.2 (I was 1.24 in Sept. 2015) so that is encouraging. Honestly I’m surprised (and thankful) it hasn’t changed more. All of my other labs are normal, and the clotting lab I was concerned about is not even elevated according to Dr. H2 so that’s good news. He did an ultrasound and my AFC is 8ish on CD 6 with 4 follicles one each side (and a huge cyst leftover from last month). So that hasn’t really changed either. He also said I can do a saline sonogram in my next cycle so I will be scheduling that in the near future.

As for his opinion on my most recent miscarriage, he thinks it was likely due to the fact that a unicornuate uterus has areas of poor blood flow. While one treatment for RPL is IVF with PGS, he does not recommend this in my case since they cannot control where that embryo will implant and I do make normal embryos so it likely won’t help. (It makes me think back to how we were gong to do IVF and then I got pregnant and it worked out. I wonder how that would have ended up.) He suggests baby aspirin and progesterone, both of which I’m already doing. I also asked if he thinks more of my miscarriages were normal embryos and he said most likely yes.

I don’t know why but I feel strangely validated by that bit of information. If I had to wager a guess, I would think that 4/6 of my pregnancies were actually normal, although I can only prove 2 (my live birth and my most recent miscarriage). I mean who really knows but finding out that the last one was normal really makes me question the poor eggs theory (although I still believe my egg quality is lower for my age given my AFC and FSH). He is also the first RE who said this to me. Everyone else said it was more likely my eggs (although I don’t blame them bc no one else had the chromosomally normal miscarriage as evidence). I guess I would have liked to hear this sooner but there was no way for that to happen.

Armed with this new information, I am really beginning to believe that it is a miracle that I have my beautiful, spunky, fabulous toddler and I feel even more lucky to have her.

As for now, the plan is to keep trying and hope the next embryo is normal AND implants in the right spot. But who knows if lightening will strike twice!

The next steps

Just a quick update to say I finally got my referral to the new RE and they had a cancelation so I’ll be meeting him next week. Most of the RPL labs I did last time were ordered and to my knowledge they look normal. Except for my beta 2 glycoprotein 1 came back positive. I did not have this drawn last time and from my research this can cause blood clotting during pregnancy contributing to miscarriages. Apparently to be considered an issue the test needs to be positive twice with 3 months in between tests. So it’ll be interesting to see what he has to say about that. I also asked for my FSH, E2, LH and AMH to be run for comparison.

Honestly I am mostly interested in a thorough uterine cavity evaluation looking for polyps or anything else that could cause issues. But if anything else can help us that would be great too!

I ovulated on CD 13 this month, which is unheard of for me. My earliest ovulation date is CD 17. Now I’m wondering if this in a one-off or if it’s an indication of my declining fertility. I guess only time will tell.

I have basically cut out all refined carbohydrates, sugar and alcohol. And I’m about to wean off the caffeine too! It’s been easier than I thought it would be so I’ll be keeping it up for as long as I can. I figure it can’t hurt, right?!

Emotionally I’m doing well. It took a little time but I have been going about my life and have been feeling pretty happy, all things considered. I hope we will be able to have another baby but if that is not in the cards, I think I’ll be ok. My husband said to me recently if I wanted to stop trying he is ok with that, even though he does want another child. It really helped to hear that. So we shall see.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Normal

I just got the results from the genetic testing performed on the baby. At first I just wanted to know if it was abnormal because knowing the sex makes it a little too real for me. But the baby was chromosomally normal. Then I had to know if it was a male or female because a female karyotype can mean the mother’s tissue was run instead of the baby’s. And the baby was a normal male.

So what does this mean for me? I really don’t know. The OB I spoke with (mine is on vacation) said that this only shows the chromosomes were correct, and something else could have been wrong. But it makes me wonder about my uterus and if the blood flow is just not that good. Maybe the baby has to implant in the perfect spot, and A was one in a million. It also makes me wonder about my first and third miscarriages, the ones where there was a baby to measure on ultrasound, and if he/she were normal as well. And maybe my odds of having a normal egg are better than I’m assuming they are. But that’s not really comforting because the goal is obviously to have a genetically normal egg that makes it to a full term, healthy baby.

I asked again about the referral to the new RE because I have a lot more questions now. I’m also a bit bummed that a microarray test was not ordered but I don’t think that’s something routinely done by regular OB’s, or even the RE’s, in my insurance plan. I tried. Oh well.

I called my husband crying. I feel so terrible about losing a normal baby. My husband really wants a boy so I feel like it’s a big blow to him even though he would never say so. He said it’s just news and it’s ok. I’ve been doing really well this week to so this has crushed my spirit a bit.

I also always felt like my first pregnancy was a boy, so maybe my body just miscarries boys (and I realize how ridiculous that sounds but that’s just how I feel)!

My follow up ultrasound is today to make sure my uterus is empty. I took a pregnancy test this morning and I’ve never been so annoyed to see a faint line. Figures, right?! I guess I’m going to ask for blood draws to make sure it goes to 0. I’m taking A to the appointment with me so hopefully the iPad and headphones will keep her entertained!

So one live birth, two abnormal pregnancies (chemical and one hardly developed), one normal, and two unknown.

What’s next?

Freak of nature

There are some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage in this post so please do not read if you’re squeamish or not in a good space.

This was the quickest miscarriage. Once the real cramping and back pain set in around 8:30pm, I took a Percocet and promptly fell asleep curled up with my heating pad in bed. I slept HARD and woke up around 4:30am with a heavy feeling. Once I sat on the toilet I knew I was going to pass the baby and I caught it with a strainer. I immediately felt relief that it was over quickly and simultaneously felt so incredibly sad. I could see the tiny outline of something in the sac, and when I picked it up it made me think this will be the only time I will hold this baby. Of course there were tears. My husband got up with me as I put it into the container with saline, and then into a plastic bag, and lastly into a paper bag before placing it in the refrigerator where it would wait until my doctors office was open.

My husband took the day off to be with me so he drove us to the doctor. It was really weird bringing my baby to the doctors office and navigating the system to make sure it made it to my doctor. Everyone I interacted with was really nice but I just hate the pity that you see and feel in their actions. I had to do a lot of waiting as my doctor was on a long phone call, so I just clutched the brown bag, and got to take one last look at the baby who wasn’t meant to be while alone in the nurses office. Now the waiting begins to see if we can determine anything about its genetics.

I really didn’t start bleeding like a period until Sunday afternoon, I just had lots of pretty gross looking blackish discharge. I even took the second dose of misoprostol Friday night hoping to get things moving. But surprisingly I am having no cramping since the actual bleeding began, so nothing like my normal periods.

I’ve been googling to see if I can figure out what kind of genetic issues can have a heartbeat and then pass. It looks like it could be trisomy 21, 18, 13 or turners syndrome. Or the really scary totally normal chromosomes, meaning I miscarried a perfectly normal baby. Which I’m not sure how I will deal with if I get that news. I do know the likely reason is genetic issues, especially with my egg quality history, but this half uterus really throws a wrench in things.

My OB is putting in a referral to a different RE so we can double check that nothing has been missed. Most likely that’ll include re-testing my day 3 labs and AMH, and AFC. It’s funny but I’m not sure I really want to do that just yet but I’m certainly interested in at least talking to the RE. Side note: I now work with my old REs, Drs. N and H, and I just prefer to keep my professional and personal lives separate, which is why I don’t want to go back to them at this time.

One of the reasons I hate telling people I’m pregnant is that I really don’t like un-telling them. It’s way easier to tell people I’ve had a miscarriage after the fact. Either way, it’s really hard to disappoint people with bad news. People usually don’t know what to say when someone has a miscarriage, but what do you say to the person who has had 5? Seriously, 5? I never in a million years thought I would be here. While I know I’m not alone in having this many miscarriages, I certainly feel alone, and I feel like a freak of nature with all these miscarriages and my half uterus. I just want to be normal, but what is normal anyway?

Thank you for reading if you made it through this post. And thank you for all of the support I’ve received.