This warms my heart. I have my own way to remember the babies I lost. Earrings.
Well, keeping with my TTC tradition I have had another miscarriage. We started trying again recently. I figured I’m not getting any younger and my eggs already suck so we had better get on it. I got a positive pregnancy test on 14dpo (after a negative on 12dpo). But the lines on my tests just got lighter. Today my temperature dropped on 18dpo and I started bleeding on my lunch break. So technically a chemical.
I had my first beta drawn yesterday and I also had her check my progesterone. It’ll be interesting to see the numbers. I did not supplement with progesterone this time bc I wanted to see what happened. I highly doubt it would have done anything but I asked for a prescription for next time (if there is a next time). I also started baby aspirin once I got the positive. Maybe I should start after I ovulate next time? I don’t know.
I had decided to give it until April before I go back to my RE and run my numbers but I may change my mind after this. Or maybe not.
At least we didn’t go through a traumatic ultrasound for a missed miscarriage. Those still haunt me, and especially haunt my husband. This journey sucks.
I don’t really follow Hollywood and I am notorious for not know who the heck xyz famous person is but I very much respect what Melissa Rauch (who I’ve never heard of although I am familiar with the Big Bang theory…go figure…so that’s her name) says in this article.
Obviously I’ve had a miscarriage, three to be exact, and I am so grateful to be where I am today. But seriously people, I hope others can take her advice and stop asking when another female plans to procreate. You have no idea where someone may be (or has been) in the process and it’s really none of your business. She illustrates this point so eloquently.
Thank you for this article Ms. Rauch. Wise words.
I had my 6 week postpartum appointment yesterday. Baby A came with me and screamed a lot. I ended up breastfeeding her while walking into the appointment room and during my pelvic exam…surreal. Everything looks good on my end!
We discussed several things throughout the appointment.
•I expressed to her that I do not wish to be on birth control. Firstly, I am not convinced that it didn’t contribute to our difficulties TTC. Secondly, we plan to try again (although I cannot imagine that right now…more on that in another post). Lastly, I have switched to all natural products and I am not interested in introducing hormones into my body at this point.
•She said that since I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery we could try again as early as 6 months (I think that’s crazy).
•When my cycle returns and is regular, she can order a follow up FSH, AMH, and E2 so I don’t have to go back to my HMO fertility clinic right away. I am relieved about that (even though I had a pretty great experience with our RE). I’m wondering how those numbers will have changed a year or so after having them drawn. I also hope it will give us an idea of what to expect.
•And now the main point of this post. The results of my placental pathology. It was small (as we already knew from looking at it after delivery). This could have been due to the UU (meaning the smaller size of my uterus) or uteroplacental insufficiency. The placenta showed signs of chronic uteroplacental insufficiency. Basically this means that the blood flow from my uterus to the placenta was insufficient for a good chunk of the pregnancy. Thus the IUGR diagnosis. I have lots of thoughts about this.
Firstly, the baby was in the 38th percentile at the 20 week anatomy scan. That is normal. Then, right before 30 weeks at our growth scan, she was less than 3rd percentile. So things went wrong somewhere between 20-30 weeks. I stopped taking the baby aspirin at 28 weeks (which I was taking to hypothetically increase blood flow to my uterus…who knows if it helped. I feel it did help). I don’t think that would have affected growth that drastically in 2 weeks but I can’t help but wonder if I had stayed on it (or restarted it) if her growth would have been less restricted.
Secondly, I wonder if the less than ideal blood flow had anything to do with my 3 miscarriages. I did not take aspirin until before the 4th pregnancy (which actually worked). I do have signs of poor egg quality with high FSH and boarderline AMH. All the miscarriages were missed, with no growth each time past 6-6.5 weeks. Could that have been due to poor blood flow and not egg quality? My gut says its egg quality. I guess we will never know but I wish we could. Too bad we were unable to test the embryos that miscarried.
Thirdly, I wonder if the pregnancy being successful is because the embryo implanted in an area of the uterus that had better blood flow and the majority of my uterus has poorer blood flow. Those with a unicornuate uterus can have poor blood flow due to the abnormal formation of the uterus. Am I doomed to have tons of miscarriages? That remains to be seen.
Lastly, I wonder if I am lucky enough to get pregnant for a second time (and not miscarry) if this will happen again. And if not, how much more will my uterus grow? Can I make a bigger baby in my half uterus? It obviously stretched a ton this time but not like a normal sized uterus did.
I made my OB cookies and wrote her a thank you note because she was so incredibly kind and supportive throughout the entire pregnancy. I know I was a high needs patient (for good reasons I think) and I wanted to let her know how thankful I am for her care. I ended the card saying “I am so thankful for my beautiful baby”, and I teared up as I wrote that. The gratitude I feel toward having her is immense and I don’t think I could put it into words.
Today I remember…
My excitement at each positive pregnancy test.
How I told my husband I was pregnant.
All of the plans I made for each baby who was never meant to walk the earth.
The anticipation of the first appointment, and then the nerves for the following pregnancy’s appointments.
The incredibly heartbreaking power of the sentence “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”.
The look on my husband’s face the first time we heard that sentence.
The physical pain of each miscarriage, followed by the emotional turmoil.
The thought that I may never become a mother to a living child.
The fear of trying again only to face the same fate.
That if I had never lost my three babies, baby A would not be in my arms today.
Today, and every day, I remember my three angel babies, and I am grateful and thankful that I carried them for their short lives. I also remember all of the beautiful babies who were taken from our arms too soon.
I had my 16 week appointment last Thursday (at 15w5d) and I got to have another vaginal ultrasound to check the length of my cervix. One of the more common complications of women with a unicornuate uterus is incompetent cervix. Because of that, I will be having cervix checks every two weeks from 16 until 24 weeks.
My OB warned me before the scan that she is not the best at cervix measurements, and she ended up grabbing another OB to help her (I really appreciated the honesty). They took an average of three measurements and came up with 3.75cm. For someone with risk factors (like me), they start to worry at anything less than 2.5cm. So far so good! Fingers crossed this continues to be a non-issue.
The baby is getting so big! It’s really crazy to see the growth progression since I have had soooo many ultrasounds. I also finally bought a Doppler to check the heartbeat at home. I’m just in need of a little extra reassurance and I feel like now that I’m this far along I shouldn’t have a hard time finding the heart beat (famous last words….). I’ll let you all know how it goes once it arrives.
I also want to say a little something about Mother’s Day. To every women out there trying for their little miracle, you are a mother and I respect and admire you with all my being. To those mothers who have suffered pregnancy loss at any stage, my heart goes out to you. And to those mothers who have lost their baby or child too soon, I send you so much love. Life is not fair, and we are all mothers, no matter where we are in our journey.
Today at work, a mother and father lost their little one. It’s a painful reminder that there are no guarantees in life, and I am honored to have cared for their baby. My heart is heavy for their family tonight.
One percent of couples who have had two miscarriages will go on to have a third*
Fifty percent of couples will not find a cause for their miscarriages*
Sixty percent of couples in this situation will go on to have a baby in their next pregnancy*
I am that one percent. We are that one percent. Where we lie with respect to the other above statistics is yet to be seen.
I look at these numbers, thinking of how I found comfort in the one percent statistic. That’s a pretty small number. At the end of July, I was cautiously optimistic that we would bring home a baby after staring at a positive pregnancy test for the third time. We would not be in that one percent. I asked for betas, and they rose appropriately. I took progesterone twice a day. I quit drinking coffee. I exercised moderately and tried to remain calm and un-stressed. Our early ultrasound at six weeks one day showed a baby measuring at six weeks. The doctor said she could just barely make out a heartbeat (we couldn’t tell). Things seemed to be right on track.
But then, right as I hit seven weeks, my pregnancy symptoms disappeared. No more sore boobs or nausea. It was like déjà vu, as that’s exactly what happened in my first pregnancy. So I made an appointment. There was no heartbeat, and where we should have seen a seven week three day fetus, we saw one that had only grown to six weeks and one day. I took the ultrasound picture anyway.
Today, I lay on the couch, completing my third Misoprostol induced miscarriage. I’m a pro at this now. That’s something I never thought I’d say.
Now I hope we will be in the sixty percent. And I don’t know what side of the fifty percent I should hope to be on. Is it better to find a problem? What if the problem has no treatment? What if there is no problem? There are too many what ifs.
My regular OB still thinks it’s just bad luck. I can’t decide if I want to hug her or punch her. She’s been so supportive in so many ways but I felt like I had to twist her arm to get the fertility and genetics referrals (this is after telling me last time that you need to have three in a row to get these referrals so I have no idea why it was so difficult). She even thought that the fertility consult would be rejected since I can get pregnant. Luckily, she was wrong. Has she never experienced someone with three miscarriage in a row and no children? I can’t believe she still thinks it’s just bad luck because “early miscarriages are so common”.
I’m going to switch OB’s anyway because I associate that office with three of the worst experience of my life. My husband never wants to go there again. I need a clean slate. But I also need a doctor who believes me when I say something’s wrong. Because it’s not normal to have three miscarriages in a row. And I felt something was wrong after two. I wish I pushed harder but there is nothing I can do about that now.
I hate the unknown. We have an appointment with the REI clinic in a couple of weeks and a referral to a genetic counselor that I’m still waiting to hear from. I am compiling another list of questions, comments, observations, and things I would like to be investigated. This time I hope to come away satisfied that all angles have been covered.
Hopefully I won’t be another negative statistic.
*statistics extrapolated from http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1039328/understanding-recurrent-miscarriage