This warms my heart. I have my own way to remember the babies I lost. Earrings.
Today baby A turned one. I cannot believe I have a little person in my life. She is such a joy, full of inquisitiveness, smiles, snuggles, and just so full of life. I got her a Hello Kitty balloon and she had a bite of cookies and cream ice cream (which she loved). We are having a small family party this weekend at the park and I’m making her a low sugar smash cake. I cannot wait!
I am so incredibly grateful and thankful that this little person is mine. Being her Mommy is fulfilling in ways I never would have thought possible. I love watching her go crazy over the fan being turned on, “chatting” constantly with her, and holding her hand while she nurses in the middle of the night. And countless other little things. She brings so much joy into my life.
Mommy loves you my beautiful baby.
I don’t really follow Hollywood and I am notorious for not know who the heck xyz famous person is but I very much respect what Melissa Rauch (who I’ve never heard of although I am familiar with the Big Bang theory…go figure…so that’s her name) says in this article.
Obviously I’ve had a miscarriage, three to be exact, and I am so grateful to be where I am today. But seriously people, I hope others can take her advice and stop asking when another female plans to procreate. You have no idea where someone may be (or has been) in the process and it’s really none of your business. She illustrates this point so eloquently.
Thank you for this article Ms. Rauch. Wise words.
First off, I am still following all of your journeys! Unfortunately I have still been struggling with my comments not loading. I have an email into support that will hopefully fix it. I think they are being recorded as spam! Maybe I am spam, but I certainly hope not! If you have a way to check your spam comments (I don’t even know how you would do this) and un-mark me as spam that would be awesome, otherwise you just get likes!
Secondly, I plan to still keep blogging occasionally to update on baby A and our potential escapades on TTC #2 (if that actually happens). I love following everyone’s journeys so even if I’m blogging infrequently, I will still be commenting (if my wordpress comment issue ever gets worked out).
Baby A is 3 months old now. She weighs 11lb 5oz, so 10 percentile. I think she’s just going to be a little lady for the foreseeable future. I’m hoping she continues to grow and thrive. We are still EBF. She frequently spits up so I assume she has silent reflux. It doesn’t seem to bother her so as long as her doctor is ok with her weight gain at her 4 month appointment next month, I’ll try not to worry too much about it. From 2 months to now she is gaining an average of 5.8oz per week.
She’s started rolling over from tummy to back around 11 weeks, but it’s fairly infrequent. She also seems to be trying to roll from back to tummy as she will arch to either side while she’s on her back. We get tons of smiles and lots of chatter, she’s so much fun. Her favorite activity is flying baby, where we play airplane with her up in the air. She loves the view from above! She also likes tummy time and music/dancing with Mommy and Daddy. Another favorite is bath time with Daddy, especially since he blow-drys her dry afterward. She LOVES the blow-dryer.
Sleep has gotten better now that we are co-sleeping (my pediatrician basically said that some babies are super high need and the only way to solve that problem is safe co-sleeping. He then said they co-slept with 2/3 of their kids, and he was always against it until he had kids of his own and struggled with sleep. He says that their 17 month old is still in bed with them. I don’t think I can go that long, but i’m hoping to at least get through until we can sleep train around 6 months. But my feelings on sleep training wax and wane so we will see what ends up happening). We use a snugglenest so she has her own space. Before that, she would only sleep maximum 1 hour in her crib or in a bedside co-sleeper before waking up and taking forever to go back to sleep. Now we can get a solid 4-5 hour stretch out of her (usually 11pm-3am). I try to put her down drowsy but awake for naps but she will only fall asleep on her own about 10% of the time. She only naps for about 40-60 minutes with the occasional unicorn nap for longer than 60 minutes!
I go back to work in a little over 2 weeks. We found a great in-home daycare on the way to my husbands work. She is incredible and I am so thankful we have her, as I feel comfortable leaving my baby with her. I just wish I had more than 16 weeks off with her (I am saving 2 weeks of my bonding time otherwise I could have had 18 weeks). I feel fortunate to have had this long, and all of it is paid due to me saving a ton of vacation (although let’s be real, the reason I have so much vacation is that it’s too hard to get time off of work approved because of union seniority..grr). Going back to work sounds good because I am looking forward to some adult time and using my brain in a different way, but I really just wish I had more time. I am also applying for new jobs that don’t have a weekend requirement as I would love to be off with my family on the weekends. hopefully that search doesn’t take too long!
Baby A got a cousin on my birthday in November! I’m honored to share my birthday with my niece. And we are super excited to have girl cousins (baby R was a wait until delivery to find out the sex). It’s been fun having my sister-in-law going through pregnancy and motherhood at about the same stages (she also suffered 2 losses before her successful pregnancy so we are able to support each other there as well).
In sad news, my grandfather and my husband’s grandmother passed away. My grandfather passed away in November and he had transitioned to hospice so it wasn’t a huge shock, although it has been very sad because of his passing obviously but also because my mom moved to southern California to care for my grandmother, and it’s hard having her away. My husbands grandmother passed away of a presumed heart attack on Christmas Eve, so Christmas was pretty awful this year. It was shocking that she went as she was only 76 and seemed to be in pretty good health. These things bring to mind the circle of life, in that we had our beautiful baby but life does not go on forever.
I hope you are all well.
Today I remember…
My excitement at each positive pregnancy test.
How I told my husband I was pregnant.
All of the plans I made for each baby who was never meant to walk the earth.
The anticipation of the first appointment, and then the nerves for the following pregnancy’s appointments.
The incredibly heartbreaking power of the sentence “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”.
The look on my husband’s face the first time we heard that sentence.
The physical pain of each miscarriage, followed by the emotional turmoil.
The thought that I may never become a mother to a living child.
The fear of trying again only to face the same fate.
That if I had never lost my three babies, baby A would not be in my arms today.
Today, and every day, I remember my three angel babies, and I am grateful and thankful that I carried them for their short lives. I also remember all of the beautiful babies who were taken from our arms too soon.
I had my 36 week appointment with my regular OB today. We just chatted about induction and about how excited she is that I’ve almost made it to (early) full term. She also checked me to see if I have any dilation. I’m currently a fingertip (which means less than 1cm) but I’m 50% effaced and my cervix is quite soft. She can even feel the baby’s head since she’s super low! So I’m hoping I’ll go into labor naturally before Saturday’s scheduled induction! Haha, yeah right! I’m not expecting that, but I am hoping that the soft cervix will make the induction go a bit smoother!
My husband and I took a breastfeeding class tonight through Kaiser health education that was very well put together. She gave us a ton of resources to get help if we have problems and gave us a great overview.
We watched a video of the golden hour, where they put the baby skin-to-skin on Mom just after she’s born and I literally started crying to myself as soon as I head the baby’s first cries. Then I proceeded to sniffle and tear up through the rest of the video. It was really touching.
I really hope our baby cries right away and I get to have her placed on my chest. I just feel like there have been so many complications and anxieties throughout trying to get pregnant and during the pregnancy and I am just really hoping I get this magical experience.
Obviously I just want my baby girl to make it out safely into this world, but I guess I do have some pretty deep-rooted hopes that I can still have a beautiful birth experience even though we are being induced. I always wanted to not have an epidural and not use meds but that is probably not going to happen and I’ve made peace with that. I think it’s really about my attitude going into everything and I’m just trying to go with the flow and realize that not everything is in my control (logically I know this but I think we all have our ideas of a perfect birth, and what my birth will likely be does not match with my ideal birth story).
Anyway this was a rambling post but the emotions I felt watching that video tonight made me feel like writing. I have my last NST, Dopplers, and MFM appointment on Thursday. I’ll update once more after that appointment, then induction will be Saturday likely starting in the early evening!
Shit is about to get real!
I had my 16 week appointment last Thursday (at 15w5d) and I got to have another vaginal ultrasound to check the length of my cervix. One of the more common complications of women with a unicornuate uterus is incompetent cervix. Because of that, I will be having cervix checks every two weeks from 16 until 24 weeks.
My OB warned me before the scan that she is not the best at cervix measurements, and she ended up grabbing another OB to help her (I really appreciated the honesty). They took an average of three measurements and came up with 3.75cm. For someone with risk factors (like me), they start to worry at anything less than 2.5cm. So far so good! Fingers crossed this continues to be a non-issue.
The baby is getting so big! It’s really crazy to see the growth progression since I have had soooo many ultrasounds. I also finally bought a Doppler to check the heartbeat at home. I’m just in need of a little extra reassurance and I feel like now that I’m this far along I shouldn’t have a hard time finding the heart beat (famous last words….). I’ll let you all know how it goes once it arrives.
I also want to say a little something about Mother’s Day. To every women out there trying for their little miracle, you are a mother and I respect and admire you with all my being. To those mothers who have suffered pregnancy loss at any stage, my heart goes out to you. And to those mothers who have lost their baby or child too soon, I send you so much love. Life is not fair, and we are all mothers, no matter where we are in our journey.
Today at work, a mother and father lost their little one. It’s a painful reminder that there are no guarantees in life, and I am honored to have cared for their baby. My heart is heavy for their family tonight.