Category Archives: Reflections

Freak of nature

There are some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage in this post so please do not read if you’re squeamish or not in a good space.

This was the quickest miscarriage. Once the real cramping and back pain set in around 8:30pm, I took a Percocet and promptly fell asleep curled up with my heating pad in bed. I slept HARD and woke up around 4:30am with a heavy feeling. Once I sat on the toilet I knew I was going to pass the baby and I caught it with a strainer. I immediately felt relief that it was over quickly and simultaneously felt so incredibly sad. I could see the tiny outline of something in the sac, and when I picked it up it made me think this will be the only time I will hold this baby. Of course there were tears. My husband got up with me as I put it into the container with saline, and then into a plastic bag, and lastly into a paper bag before placing it in the refrigerator where it would wait until my doctors office was open.

My husband took the day off to be with me so he drove us to the doctor. It was really weird bringing my baby to the doctors office and navigating the system to make sure it made it to my doctor. Everyone I interacted with was really nice but I just hate the pity that you see and feel in their actions. I had to do a lot of waiting as my doctor was on a long phone call, so I just clutched the brown bag, and got to take one last look at the baby who wasn’t meant to be while alone in the nurses office. Now the waiting begins to see if we can determine anything about its genetics.

I really didn’t start bleeding like a period until Sunday afternoon, I just had lots of pretty gross looking blackish discharge. I even took the second dose of misoprostol Friday night hoping to get things moving. But surprisingly I am having no cramping since the actual bleeding began, so nothing like my normal periods.

I’ve been googling to see if I can figure out what kind of genetic issues can have a heartbeat and then pass. It looks like it could be trisomy 21, 18, 13 or turners syndrome. Or the really scary totally normal chromosomes, meaning I miscarried a perfectly normal baby. Which I’m not sure how I will deal with if I get that news. I do know the likely reason is genetic issues, especially with my egg quality history, but this half uterus really throws a wrench in things.

My OB is putting in a referral to a different RE so we can double check that nothing has been missed. Most likely that’ll include re-testing my day 3 labs and AMH, and AFC. It’s funny but I’m not sure I really want to do that just yet but I’m certainly interested in at least talking to the RE. Side note: I now work with my old REs, Drs. N and H, and I just prefer to keep my professional and personal lives separate, which is why I don’t want to go back to them at this time.

One of the reasons I hate telling people I’m pregnant is that I really don’t like un-telling them. It’s way easier to tell people I’ve had a miscarriage after the fact. Either way, it’s really hard to disappoint people with bad news. People usually don’t know what to say when someone has a miscarriage, but what do you say to the person who has had 5? Seriously, 5? I never in a million years thought I would be here. While I know I’m not alone in having this many miscarriages, I certainly feel alone, and I feel like a freak of nature with all these miscarriages and my half uterus. I just want to be normal, but what is normal anyway?

Thank you for reading if you made it through this post. And thank you for all of the support I’ve received.

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Not the scan I was hoping for…

Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat. I’m so sad, but not surprised given my history. I should have been 8 + 3 but the baby was only measuring 7 + 1. This is the first time I have miscarried after seeing a heartbeat, which doesn’t make it suck any more or less than the other times…it just sucks.

My OB, as always, is amazing and I am still so incredibly thankful I switched to her. Super compassionate and willing to find answers and explore options for me. This time, I have again elected to use misoprostol (I am petrified of having a D&C). She recommends taking an antibiotic with it so I’m doing that as well. I will have a follow up appointment in two weeks to make sure everything has passed. She’s going to get in touch with the local RE to see if there is anything else we can do in the testing department (although I suspect not but I appreciate the gesture). She also entertained my request to try and get genetic testing on the baby. She called the lab and got instructions on what to do and then passed those on to me.

I have always wanted to do genetic testing but my last OB said there was no way to do it (which I now know is not true). I would like the closure of knowing if the baby was actually normal (meaning my uterus could be the problem) or if it’s chromosomal (which is the assumption based on the timing of my miscarriages and my egg quality lab results).

It’s time for me to go back to making all of the lifestyle changes I made in the past. I have actually continued to use green beauty products, soap/shampoo, and trying to avoid plastic, but my diet needs an overhaul. I’m not sure how crazy I will actually go but I know I need to cut out sugar. I’m sure I’ll blog more about this.

Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts. I truly appreciate having this community of wonderful ladies supporting me regardless of the outcome. Sending lots of love.

Now onto my date with misoprostol, ibuprofen, a warm pack, and possibly some Percocet.

Ultrasound day…

I am so impressed with myself making it to today with minimal anxiety. Being busy has helped immensely, as has the random nausea I’ve been having most days. Still with no to hardly sore breasts and minimal cramping though, which makes me nervous. A very different pregnancy for sure.

Of course yesterday I had no pregnancy symptoms so now I am pretty scared for my appointment later this morning. Just wanted to put it out there for the world to send me some good thoughts. I know the results are out of my control but I hate the anxiety that comes with scans.

Update to come later today. Thank you for being here for me and I wish you all good things.

Wow, that was a long time ago…

I finally updated my about me section! Thank you for the prompting Trisha!

It’s really insane to think I’ve had this blog up for almost 4 years, and that I’ve endured so much throughout this time. At this time 4 years ago my husband and I were getting ready for an amazing trip to England, Ireland, and Scotland, and then we were going to try for a baby. We had no idea the road we would travel to get our miracle baby. 3 miscarriages, a DOR diagnosis, and the shocking news of a unicornuate uterus.

It’s so weird to think back on who I was and how naive I used to be. I am so sensitive to pregnancy announcements still, although it’s gotten better. I am hyper sensitive also to people in my life that show signs of maybe being pregnant (not drinking, not participating in x-ray procedures at work, no sushi, their baby is about 1 and I know they want more kids). It’s hard because my husband wants another and I am willing to try, but I just hate that I’m back in the rabbit hole and there is no end in site. I don’t want to get obsessive but that is just the way I am…no half-ass jobs. And I really don’t want to be sad every time my friends expand their families and I am unable to do it too.

It really sucks trying to conceive in crappy conditions. I likely can only get pregnant if I ovulate from the right ovary (although you read stores about people getting pregnant from an unconnected ovary…) and it bums me out so much when I feel my ovulation pain on the left. I felt it on the left these past 2 months which is even more frustrating. And then I am hopeful because I managed to have that chemical pregnancy back in December so that has to be a good sign, right? Or maybe just an indication that my eggs are even worse this time around and I can’t even make it to the missed miscarriage stage (I sound so cynical but it’s just frustration). I’m just going with ignorance is bliss for now and not asking for these fertility tests that will crush my dreams of a second child the “easy” way.

We discussed that we probably won’t do IVF because it’s too expensive and my likely worse than before numbers will likely make it unsuccessful. So if we can’t get pregnant that leaves us with adoption or donor eggs/embryos. Also expensive. We haven’t discussed these as a couple but I certainly think about them a lot and weigh the options. And I have no idea which way I would go, or even if I would say screw it, let’s be a one child family (my husband really doesn’t want an only child so I don’t know how that would go over).

So there you have it. A rambling update on what is in my brain. I hope everyone is doing well.

One

Today baby A turned one. I cannot believe I have a little person in my life. She is such a joy, full of inquisitiveness, smiles, snuggles, and just so full of life. I got her a Hello Kitty balloon and she had a bite of cookies and cream ice cream (which she loved). We are having a small family party this weekend at the park and I’m making her a low sugar smash cake. I cannot wait!

I am so incredibly grateful and thankful that this little person is mine. Being her Mommy is fulfilling in ways I never would have thought possible. I love watching her go crazy over the fan being turned on, “chatting” constantly with her, and holding her hand while she nurses in the middle of the night. And countless other little things. She brings so much joy into my life. 

Mommy loves you my beautiful baby. 

Thank you 

I don’t really follow Hollywood and I am notorious for not know who the heck xyz famous person is but I very much respect what Melissa Rauch (who I’ve never heard of although I am familiar with the Big Bang theory…go figure…so that’s her name) says in this article. 

Obviously I’ve had a miscarriage, three to be exact, and I am so grateful to be where I am today. But seriously people, I hope others can take her advice and stop asking when another female plans to procreate. You have no idea where someone may be (or has been) in the process and it’s really none of your business. She illustrates this point so eloquently. 

Thank you for this article Ms. Rauch. Wise words.

https://www.glamour.com/story/actress-melissa-rauch-announces-pregnancy-and-reflects-on-miscarriage