Category Archives: Reflections

I was never a very good blogger…

Hello everyone!

First off, I am still following all of your journeys! Unfortunately I have still been struggling with my comments not loading. I have an email into support that will hopefully fix it. I think they are being recorded as spam! Maybe I am spam, but I certainly hope not! If you have a way to check your spam comments (I don’t even know how you would do this) and un-mark me as spam that would be awesome, otherwise you just get likes!

Secondly, I plan to still keep blogging occasionally to update on baby A and our potential escapades on TTC #2 (if that actually happens). I love following everyone’s journeys so even if I’m blogging infrequently, I will still be commenting (if my wordpress comment issue ever gets worked out).

Baby A is 3 months old now. She weighs 11lb 5oz, so 10 percentile. I think she’s just going to be a little lady for the foreseeable future. I’m hoping she continues to grow and thrive. We are still EBF. She frequently spits up so I assume she has silent reflux. It doesn’t seem to bother her so as long as her doctor is ok with her weight gain at her 4 month appointment next month, I’ll try not to worry too much about it. From 2 months to now she is gaining an average of 5.8oz per week.

She’s started rolling over from tummy to back around 11 weeks, but it’s fairly infrequent. She also seems to be trying to roll from back to tummy as she will arch to either side while she’s on her back. We get tons of smiles and lots of chatter, she’s so much fun. Her favorite activity is flying baby, where we play airplane with her up in the air. She loves the view from above! She also likes tummy time and music/dancing with Mommy and Daddy. Another favorite is bath time with Daddy, especially since he blow-drys her dry afterward. She LOVES the blow-dryer.

Sleep has gotten better now that we are co-sleeping (my pediatrician basically said that some babies are super high need and the only way to solve that problem is safe co-sleeping. He then said they co-slept with 2/3 of their kids, and he was always against it until he had kids of his own and struggled with sleep. He says that their 17 month old is still in bed with them. I don’t think I can go that long, but i’m hoping to at least get through until we can sleep train around 6 months. But my feelings on sleep training wax and wane so we will see what ends up happening). We use a snugglenest so she has her own space. Before that, she would only sleep maximum 1 hour in her crib or in a bedside co-sleeper before waking up and taking forever to go back to sleep. Now we can get a solid 4-5 hour stretch out of her (usually 11pm-3am). I try to put her down drowsy but awake for naps but she will only fall asleep on her own about 10% of the time. She only naps for about 40-60 minutes with the occasional unicorn nap for longer than 60 minutes!

I go back to work in a little over 2 weeks. We found a great in-home daycare on the way to my husbands work. She is incredible and I am so thankful we have her, as I feel comfortable leaving my baby with her. I just wish I had more than 16 weeks off with her (I am saving 2 weeks of my bonding time otherwise I could have had 18 weeks). I feel fortunate to have had this long, and all of it is paid due to me saving a ton of vacation (although let’s be real, the reason I have so much vacation is that it’s too hard to get time off of work approved because of union seniority..grr). Going back to work sounds good because I am looking forward to some adult time and using my brain in a different way, but I really just wish I had more time. I am also applying for new jobs that don’t have a weekend requirement as I would love to be off with my family on the weekends. hopefully that search doesn’t take too long!

Baby A got a cousin on my birthday in November! I’m honored to share my birthday with my niece. And we are super excited to have girl cousins (baby R was a wait until delivery to find out the sex). It’s been fun having my sister-in-law going through pregnancy and motherhood at about the same stages (she also suffered 2 losses before her successful pregnancy so we are able to support each other there as well).

In sad news, my grandfather and my husband’s grandmother passed away. My grandfather passed away in November and he had transitioned to hospice so it wasn’t a huge shock, although it has been very sad because of his passing obviously but also because my mom moved to southern California to care for my grandmother, and it’s hard having her away. My husbands grandmother passed away of a presumed heart attack on Christmas Eve, so Christmas was pretty awful this year. It was shocking that she went as she was only 76 and seemed to be in pretty good health. These things bring to mind the circle of life, in that we had our beautiful baby but life does not go on forever.

I hope you are all well.

 

Today I Remember…

Today I remember…

My excitement at each positive pregnancy test. 

How I told my husband I was pregnant. 

All of the plans I made for each baby who was never meant to walk the earth. 

The anticipation of the first appointment, and then the nerves for the following pregnancy’s appointments. 

The incredibly heartbreaking power of the sentence “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”.

The look on my husband’s face the first time we heard that sentence. 

The physical pain of each miscarriage, followed by the emotional turmoil. 

The thought that I may never become a mother to a living child. 

The fear of trying again only to face the same fate. 

That if I had never lost my three babies, baby A would not be in my arms today. 

Today, and every day, I remember my three angel babies, and I am grateful and thankful that I carried them for their short lives. I also remember all of the beautiful babies who were taken from our arms too soon. 

36 Week Appt and Breastfeeding Class, and Ideal Birth

I had my 36 week appointment with my regular OB today. We just chatted about induction and about how excited she is that I’ve almost made it to (early) full term. She also checked me to see if I have any dilation. I’m currently a fingertip (which means less than 1cm) but I’m 50% effaced and my cervix is quite soft. She can even feel the baby’s head since she’s super low! So I’m hoping I’ll go into labor naturally before Saturday’s scheduled induction! Haha, yeah right! I’m not expecting that, but I am hoping that the soft cervix will make the induction go a bit smoother!

My husband and I took a breastfeeding class tonight through Kaiser health education that was very well put together. She gave us a ton of resources to get help if we have problems and gave us a great overview. 

We watched a video of the golden hour, where they put the baby skin-to-skin on Mom just after she’s born and I literally started crying to myself as soon as I head the baby’s first cries. Then I proceeded to sniffle and tear up through the rest of the video. It was really touching. 

I really hope our baby cries right away and I get to have her placed on my chest. I just feel like there have been so many complications and anxieties throughout trying to get pregnant and during the pregnancy and I am just really hoping I get this magical experience. 

Obviously I just want my baby girl to make it out safely into this world, but I guess I do have some pretty deep-rooted hopes that I can still have a beautiful birth experience even though we are being induced. I always wanted to not have an epidural and not use meds but that is probably not going to happen and I’ve made peace with that. I think it’s really about my attitude going into everything and I’m just trying to go with the flow and realize that not everything is in my control (logically I know this but I think we all have our ideas of a perfect birth, and what my birth will likely be does not match with my ideal birth story). 

Anyway this was a rambling post but the emotions I felt watching that video tonight made me feel like writing. I have my last NST, Dopplers, and MFM appointment on Thursday. I’ll update once more after that appointment, then induction will be Saturday likely starting in the early evening! 

Shit is about to get real!

Cervix checks have begun and a few thoughts on Mother’s Day and death…

I had my 16 week appointment last Thursday (at 15w5d) and I got to have another vaginal ultrasound to check the length of my cervix. One of the more common complications of women with a unicornuate uterus is incompetent cervix. Because of that, I will be having cervix checks every two weeks from 16 until 24 weeks. 

My OB warned me before the scan that she is not the best at cervix measurements, and she ended up grabbing another OB to help her (I really appreciated the honesty). They took an average of three measurements and came up with 3.75cm. For someone with risk factors (like me), they start to worry at anything less than 2.5cm. So far so good! Fingers crossed this continues to be a non-issue. 

The baby is getting so big! It’s really crazy to see the growth progression since I have had soooo many ultrasounds. I also finally bought a Doppler to check the heartbeat at home. I’m just in need of a little extra reassurance and I feel like now that I’m this far along I shouldn’t have a hard time finding the heart beat (famous last words….). I’ll let you all know how it goes once it arrives. 

I also want to say a little something about Mother’s Day. To every women out there trying for their little miracle, you are a mother and I respect and admire you with all my being. To those mothers who have suffered pregnancy loss at any stage, my heart goes out to you. And to those mothers who have lost their baby or child too soon, I send you so much love. Life is not fair, and we are all mothers, no matter where we are in our journey. 

Today at work, a mother and father lost their little one. It’s a painful reminder that there are no guarantees in life, and I am honored to have cared for their baby. My heart is heavy for their family tonight. 

365 Days Later

One year ago today I had my first positive pregnancy test. I remember the day so well (it helps that it is my Dad’s birthday). I took a cheap test in the morning before I left for work, and when it was positive I bought a “weeks estimator” test and took it in the bathroom at work. I came home and bought a Niners onesie to help surprise my hubby with the news. He was shocked since we had not even started “trying” yet. We were so excited and happy.

I have several friends, co-workers, a Mom, and a sister-in-law who had miscarriages so it was definitely on my mind, but I really thought it wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am, 365 days later, with no baby and a second miscarriage under my belt. It seems unreal that it’s been a year since the positive test and in three weeks or so it’ll be a year since the first missed miscarriage.

Yesterday affected me so much more than today. It must have been the anticipation leading up to today. I had dinner with a friend last night (the one I was suppose to be pregnant with who now has a 5 month old) and she let me do his bath, feed him his bottle, and put him to bed while she made dinner. While I was feeding him his bottle, the tears just started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor could I wipe them. Her son just looked at me with a concerned furrowed brow , as if to say “why are you crying”? Then he snuggled with me. It was a magical and sadly emotional experience that I am thankful to have had. I still have hope that I can someday have that moment with my own child.

My husband is out of town and I think that may have contributed to my feelings as well. We talked on his drive and I explained what happened. It sparked a great conversation on how the two of us experience loss and sadness differently and we need to discusse these things so we know how, and when, to support each other. He mourned our loss at the time of the event, while I have been having bouts of sadness all throughout the last 11 months. My feelings come up a lot less often now, but it’s still there and very real.

I am learning, still, that grief sneaks upon us when we least expect it.

No Dice

No luck over in this corner. I honestly thought I would be pregnant by now. We have timed it right 3 times now without any luck and we weren’t even trying when I got pregnant the first time. Maybe that’s a sign to back off in the monitoring. I used OPKs once. I’m now only taking my temp and checking my cervical fluid, but maybe I should stop. I’ve confirmed I’m ovulating, what’s the point of continuing? For me, I’m looking for a way to control something that is out of my hands. I hate not being in control and the temping lets me feel like I’ve got a little.┬áMy hubby thinks I should just relax and let it happen since we at least know we can get pregnant. I just feel like there’s no guarantee that getting pregnant means having a healthy baby. Alas, that is also out of my control. So hard to deal with.

One of my best friends just had a whoops and is pregnant with her 3rd after just giving birth 9 months ago. She’s super bummed out and is sort of hoping for a miscarriage. She’s had 2 in her life. I would give anything for that to be my baby. It’s so crazy how people can have such different feelings toward the same thing. I was so excited when she told me (I asked the right questions or I probably wouldn’t know yet, it’s only 8 weeks). She was so bummed. I tried to cheer her up and say maybe we would both have September babies! That obviously didn’t happen as I am currently on my period. I’m still excited for her and hoping we will have our babies close together so they’ll be the same age! I’m dying to have a friend with a baby close in age.

It’s scary because I’m coming up on my original due date in 6 weeks and I truly thought I’d be pregnant by now. Not that it’ll make it any easier but at least I’d have something to be happy about when it comes. We only have one more try for that to happen. Although I’ll probably freak out if it does. Also, my friend is having her baby in 2 weeks and we would have been pregnancy buddies. I’m super excited to meet her baby but I’m a little scared of my emotions and feelings getting out of whack.

Even though this is pretty negative, I feel pretty good most of the time. I feel pretty confident it’ll happen when the time is right. I’m doing my best to cut down on alcohol and sugar, and I’ve also reduced my dairy intake. I’ve been ramping up my running and it feels so good to be working out again. And of course I bought some robitussin to possibly try out this month. It makes me feel crazy and it probably won’t make a difference but why not? Although more than likely I’ll chicken out and not use it. Lastly, I ovulated on day 18 instead of day 21 last cycle so I’m hoping that trend will continue this month.