Tag Archives: friends

Ask Me How I’m Doing

I went back to work last Monday. It was initially really hard walking in and getting the hugs and condolences, and then it was just normal. Normal is so nice, and I have been wanting to feel some sense of normalcy since Colton died. One of the doctors shared with me that she also suffered a stillbirth. She said no one at our workplace knows and she only shares when it happens to someone she knows. In some ways I think it would be easier to have no one know. But since they do know, I think it’s appropriate to ask me how I’m doing. It allows me to open up if I’m feeling up for it, and it shows that people care. Another doctor did this, saying welcome back and asking how I was both physically and emotionally (physically almost normal and emotionally is day by day in case you were curious). I was really grateful that he did this, as I wouldn’t have expected it from him.

In my personal life, only a few people have been asking me how I’m doing. To be fair, I sent an email when Colton died saying I needed time before discussing it, so maybe I need to open up. But it makes it so much easier if my friends and family would just ask me how I’m doing. It’s hard to bring it up but I want to talk about it. My sister in law sent an email saying she didn’t know how to act and asking how she should act. I told her I wanted her to ask me about him and still be in touch with pictures of her kids. She has been texting pictures of her kids like we normally do, but then this past weekend when she visited, she said nothing about Colton. I even tried to bring up the delivery in a conversation and she just changed the subject. It’s so frustrating.

I have a couple of friends who have been texting and calling frequently and I am so eternally grateful for their support. It’s eye opening when you suffer loss to see who really cares. I’m not surprised by who has been in touch, but there are a couple of people I would have expected to be more present that have been missing. That’s life I guess.

In other news, at my follow up doctor’s appointment I still had the retained placenta. My OB was able to get me in really quickly for a D&C, which I had yesterday. It’s really hard to feel done with the physical part of birth when you’re still bleeding and cramping everyday. I was so incredibly scared to have this procedure done that I insisted it be done in the OR where I could sleep through it. Luckily this was accommodated. The OB who did it was fabulous and I even continued to advocate for myself by asking that the resident did not perform the procedure. After everything I’ve been through, if this procedure screwed up my uterus I certainly want to know that it was messed up by someone very experienced and not someone still learning. What a weird thought to have, right?!

I was so relieved to have the procedure over and done with yesterday that I was in a fabulous mood (after I napped for 3 hours). I had to have general anesthesia and a breathing tube due to heartburn, which was not something I wanted but it went fine so I’m just going to be thankful there were no problems. I am also so thankful that I didn’t lose my uterus. Being in the medical field, I just know way too much and I was so freaked out this would happen even though the risk is incredibly low. I certainly hope there is no scar tissue either.

Today I have no cramping and just light pink spotting. It’s glorious! I feel normal and it’s just so incredible to have my body be getting back to normal. Now I have to lose the last 10lbs of baby weight, but I can at least squeeze into a good chunk of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I’ve been running, walking and doing exercise videos with my husband to slowly get back into shape. It makes me feel so good. My husband and I both have noticed how we are in such better moods when we exercise. The mind-body connection is incredible.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of Colton but I am no longer crying everyday. I do randomly have tears well up in my eyes and I also cry sometimes, but it’s much less frequent. I know that grief ebbs and flows and I’m pretty sure hitting all the milestones like the due date and birthday will be hard for me, along with lots of other random things. This is a part of me finding my new normal. It sucks that I have to do this, and I hate that I have to do this. Life is just so unfair.

Next week I meet with maternal-fetal medicine to go over the results of the stillbirth and figure out where to go from here. I already know there is no obvious reason for his death based on all the tests that were performed. However, I’ve crafted a list of questions to ask and I’m hoping to get something new out of our conversation.

Wow, that was a long time ago…

I finally updated my about me section! Thank you for the prompting Trisha!

It’s really insane to think I’ve had this blog up for almost 4 years, and that I’ve endured so much throughout this time. At this time 4 years ago my husband and I were getting ready for an amazing trip to England, Ireland, and Scotland, and then we were going to try for a baby. We had no idea the road we would travel to get our miracle baby. 3 miscarriages, a DOR diagnosis, and the shocking news of a unicornuate uterus.

It’s so weird to think back on who I was and how naive I used to be. I am so sensitive to pregnancy announcements still, although it’s gotten better. I am hyper sensitive also to people in my life that show signs of maybe being pregnant (not drinking, not participating in x-ray procedures at work, no sushi, their baby is about 1 and I know they want more kids). It’s hard because my husband wants another and I am willing to try, but I just hate that I’m back in the rabbit hole and there is no end in site. I don’t want to get obsessive but that is just the way I am…no half-ass jobs. And I really don’t want to be sad every time my friends expand their families and I am unable to do it too.

It really sucks trying to conceive in crappy conditions. I likely can only get pregnant if I ovulate from the right ovary (although you read stores about people getting pregnant from an unconnected ovary…) and it bums me out so much when I feel my ovulation pain on the left. I felt it on the left these past 2 months which is even more frustrating. And then I am hopeful because I managed to have that chemical pregnancy back in December so that has to be a good sign, right? Or maybe just an indication that my eggs are even worse this time around and I can’t even make it to the missed miscarriage stage (I sound so cynical but it’s just frustration). I’m just going with ignorance is bliss for now and not asking for these fertility tests that will crush my dreams of a second child the “easy” way.

We discussed that we probably won’t do IVF because it’s too expensive and my likely worse than before numbers will likely make it unsuccessful. So if we can’t get pregnant that leaves us with adoption or donor eggs/embryos. Also expensive. We haven’t discussed these as a couple but I certainly think about them a lot and weigh the options. And I have no idea which way I would go, or even if I would say screw it, let’s be a one child family (my husband really doesn’t want an only child so I don’t know how that would go over).

So there you have it. A rambling update on what is in my brain. I hope everyone is doing well.

2015…new year, new adventures

It’s been awhile, so I thought I’d post what I’ve been up to for the past few weeks.

I co-hosted a baby shower for a very good friend that’s due in early February. It was mostly fun, and shockingly I had only a few sad feelings about wondering why I can’t be pregnant too. We would have been due about a month after her, which would have been so awesome to be pregnant at the same time and have our kids be so close in age. Oh well. It was hard to see her friend that also has a miscarriage because she was totally pregnant and starting to show, but it was not quite enough to ask without being super awkward. She announced their pregnancy on her Christmas card a couple of weeks later.

We celebrated my best friend’s 30th birthday with lots of college friends and it was awesome. Unfortunately I also found out I wasn’t pregnant this round during the weekend. Luckily I was pretty distracted by catching up with my friends I hadn’t seen in a while.

But then came the few days before Christmas and I was feeling pretty down. I spent a lot of time curled up on the couch by myself, under a blanket, with the Christmas lights on. It was a bit of a pity party and I was feeling really sorry for myself since I would have been 6.5 months pregnant. My husband was pretty worried, especially after me crying in his arms more than once, but after Christmas I was able to snap out of it and I now feel back to my normal self.

Christmas hasn’t been fun for me since my parents split up about 12 years ago. So that, coupled with the sadness about not being pregnant made for a perfect storm of depression. It doesn’t help that my husband’s family drives me crazy with their terrible cheap gifts from the dollar store. I know I sound so ungrateful but I hate waste and the vast majority of our gifts end up in the trash or going to goodwill. But I do have fun socializing and eating, so that was a plus.

I actually worked Christmas eve and day (gotta love being a RN) and it was super fun. I work in pediatrics so we all wore our PJ’s and had a pajama party. It was so cute and the kids (and parents) loved it. Then I had New Years day off and we played soccer and football with a couple of friends and it was amazing. I really miss organized sports. I am seriously considering joining a soccer team again.

Now I’m gearing up to hopefully conceive a baby at the end of this week. But after 3 cycles with no success I’m starting to get a little frustrated. I realize it hasn’t been long at all but in this world where everything is at our fingertips it’s hard to be patient. And of course I’d rather have it take longer and not have another miscarriage. But still…

Happy 2015 everyone!