Tag Archives: gratitude

First hurdle…check…

I will be talking about my pregnancy and ultrasound in this post. Please skip if you are not in the right place.

Somehow I made it through the last couple of weeks. I guess having a toddler, job, and taking a mini vacation to visit my BFF who moved to Chicago really helped the time fly by. I didn’t have nearly enough time to google everything (although I did my fair share of googling, which was basically pointless). I also peed on a couple more sticks, which was also pointless at this point and made me feel silly for wasting money.

My symptoms have been very mild to non-existent so while I was trying to hold onto the hope that my betas and progesterone were good, it was really hard to let go of all the ultrasound trauma I’ve been through with first trimester scans. I was especially worried that I have had almost no cramping, which was very present with my only successful pregnancy. So I also bought my favorite beer just in case.

My appointment was at the end of the day after a particularly slow and painful shift at work that did not keep me distracted. But she was able to find the baby almost immediately and we could all see the flickering heartbeat! It was 131, so perfect for this stage! Baby is measuring 6 weeks exactly, which is 4 days behind my assumed ovulation date I calculated with OPK and basal body temps. At this stage it’s within the margin of error so hopefully it’s just that and not some ominous sign.

Of course I was hoping for the good news we got, but I am also thankful not to be in limbo. Honestly that is harder than getting bad news because there is always that tiny shred of hope and then you get crushed all over again.

So if things continue to go well we will be having a baby on 12/24 (although I’m assuming he or she will be early just like baby A since last time I checked I still have a half uterus to work with). I am hopeful that it’s stretched out more this time and maybe he or she will be bigger.

My husband and I made chocolate chip cookies to celebrate tonight. They were delicious but I certainly regret eating 5 because now I feel yucky. Oh well, they were delicious!

Side note: A and I are basically at the end of our breastfeeding relationship. It’s been a little sad for me but it’s been on her terms and I am thankful for that. I let her latch on when she asks, which is usually in the mornings 2-3 times a week. I’m pretty sure she gets almost nothing

So the other morning she asked “di di’s” (her name for my boobs) so I let her latch on. She vigorously and unsuccessfully tried to get a let down on both sides. Then she proceeds to point at each of my nipples and say “broken”. I almost peed my pants laughing. It was so funny I just had to share.

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A Cause for the IUGR

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment yesterday. Baby A came with me and screamed a lot. I ended up breastfeeding her while walking into the appointment room and during my pelvic exam…surreal. Everything looks good on my end!

We discussed several things throughout the appointment. 

•I expressed to her that I do not wish to be on birth control. Firstly, I am not convinced that it didn’t contribute to our difficulties TTC. Secondly, we plan to try again (although I cannot imagine that right now…more on that in another post). Lastly, I have switched to all natural products and I am not interested in introducing hormones into my body at this point. 

•She said that since I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery we could try again as early as 6 months (I think that’s crazy).

•When my cycle returns and is regular, she can order a follow up FSH, AMH, and E2 so I don’t have to go back to my HMO fertility clinic right away. I am relieved about that (even though I had a pretty great experience with our RE). I’m wondering how those numbers will have changed a year or so after having them drawn. I also hope it will give us an idea of what to expect. 

•And now the main point of this post. The results of my placental pathology. It was small (as we already knew from looking at it after delivery). This could have been due to the UU (meaning the smaller size of my uterus) or uteroplacental insufficiency. The placenta showed signs of chronic uteroplacental insufficiency. Basically this means that the blood flow from my uterus to the placenta was insufficient for a good chunk of the pregnancy. Thus the IUGR diagnosis. I have lots of thoughts about this. 

Firstly, the baby was in the 38th percentile at the 20 week anatomy scan. That is normal. Then, right before 30 weeks at our growth scan, she was less than 3rd percentile. So things went wrong somewhere between 20-30 weeks. I stopped taking the baby aspirin at 28 weeks (which I was taking to hypothetically increase blood flow to my uterus…who knows if it helped. I feel it did help). I don’t think that would have affected growth that drastically in 2 weeks but I can’t help but wonder if I had stayed on it (or restarted it) if her growth would have been less restricted. 

Secondly, I wonder if the less than ideal blood flow had anything to do with my 3 miscarriages. I did not take aspirin until before the 4th pregnancy (which actually worked). I do have signs of poor egg quality with high FSH and boarderline AMH. All the miscarriages were missed, with no growth each time past 6-6.5 weeks. Could that have been due to poor blood flow and not egg quality? My gut says its egg quality. I guess we will never know but I wish we could. Too bad we were unable to test the embryos that miscarried.  

Thirdly, I wonder if the pregnancy being successful is because the embryo implanted in an area of the uterus that had better blood flow and the majority of my uterus has poorer blood flow. Those with a unicornuate uterus can have poor blood flow due to the abnormal formation of the uterus. Am I doomed to have tons of miscarriages? That remains to be seen.

Lastly, I wonder if I am lucky enough to get pregnant for a second time (and not miscarry) if this will happen again. And if not, how much more will my uterus grow? Can I make a bigger baby in my half uterus? It obviously stretched a ton this time but not like a normal sized uterus did. 

I made my OB cookies and wrote her a thank you note because she was so incredibly kind and supportive throughout the entire pregnancy. I know I was a high needs patient (for good reasons I think) and I wanted to let her know how thankful I am for her care. I ended the card saying “I am so thankful for my beautiful baby”, and I teared up as I wrote that. The gratitude I feel toward having her is immense and I don’t think I could put it into words.