Tag Archives: Grief

I was never a very good blogger…

Hello everyone!

First off, I am still following all of your journeys! Unfortunately I have still been struggling with my comments not loading. I have an email into support that will hopefully fix it. I think they are being recorded as spam! Maybe I am spam, but I certainly hope not! If you have a way to check your spam comments (I don’t even know how you would do this) and un-mark me as spam that would be awesome, otherwise you just get likes!

Secondly, I plan to still keep blogging occasionally to update on baby A and our potential escapades on TTC #2 (if that actually happens). I love following everyone’s journeys so even if I’m blogging infrequently, I will still be commenting (if my wordpress comment issue ever gets worked out).

Baby A is 3 months old now. She weighs 11lb 5oz, so 10 percentile. I think she’s just going to be a little lady for the foreseeable future. I’m hoping she continues to grow and thrive. We are still EBF. She frequently spits up so I assume she has silent reflux. It doesn’t seem to bother her so as long as her doctor is ok with her weight gain at her 4 month appointment next month, I’ll try not to worry too much about it. From 2 months to now she is gaining an average of 5.8oz per week.

She’s started rolling over from tummy to back around 11 weeks, but it’s fairly infrequent. She also seems to be trying to roll from back to tummy as she will arch to either side while she’s on her back. We get tons of smiles and lots of chatter, she’s so much fun. Her favorite activity is flying baby, where we play airplane with her up in the air. She loves the view from above! She also likes tummy time and music/dancing with Mommy and Daddy. Another favorite is bath time with Daddy, especially since he blow-drys her dry afterward. She LOVES the blow-dryer.

Sleep has gotten better now that we are co-sleeping (my pediatrician basically said that some babies are super high need and the only way to solve that problem is safe co-sleeping. He then said they co-slept with 2/3 of their kids, and he was always against it until he had kids of his own and struggled with sleep. He says that their 17 month old is still in bed with them. I don’t think I can go that long, but i’m hoping to at least get through until we can sleep train around 6 months. But my feelings on sleep training wax and wane so we will see what ends up happening). We use a snugglenest so she has her own space. Before that, she would only sleep maximum 1 hour in her crib or in a bedside co-sleeper before waking up and taking forever to go back to sleep. Now we can get a solid 4-5 hour stretch out of her (usually 11pm-3am). I try to put her down drowsy but awake for naps but she will only fall asleep on her own about 10% of the time. She only naps for about 40-60 minutes with the occasional unicorn nap for longer than 60 minutes!

I go back to work in a little over 2 weeks. We found a great in-home daycare on the way to my husbands work. She is incredible and I am so thankful we have her, as I feel comfortable leaving my baby with her. I just wish I had more than 16 weeks off with her (I am saving 2 weeks of my bonding time otherwise I could have had 18 weeks). I feel fortunate to have had this long, and all of it is paid due to me saving a ton of vacation (although let’s be real, the reason I have so much vacation is that it’s too hard to get time off of work approved because of union seniority..grr). Going back to work sounds good because I am looking forward to some adult time and using my brain in a different way, but I really just wish I had more time. I am also applying for new jobs that don’t have a weekend requirement as I would love to be off with my family on the weekends. hopefully that search doesn’t take too long!

Baby A got a cousin on my birthday in November! I’m honored to share my birthday with my niece. And we are super excited to have girl cousins (baby R was a wait until delivery to find out the sex). It’s been fun having my sister-in-law going through pregnancy and motherhood at about the same stages (she also suffered 2 losses before her successful pregnancy so we are able to support each other there as well).

In sad news, my grandfather and my husband’s grandmother passed away. My grandfather passed away in November and he had transitioned to hospice so it wasn’t a huge shock, although it has been very sad because of his passing obviously but also because my mom moved to southern California to care for my grandmother, and it’s hard having her away. My husbands grandmother passed away of a presumed heart attack on Christmas Eve, so Christmas was pretty awful this year. It was shocking that she went as she was only 76 and seemed to be in pretty good health. These things bring to mind the circle of life, in that we had our beautiful baby but life does not go on forever.

I hope you are all well.

 

365 Days Later

One year ago today I had my first positive pregnancy test. I remember the day so well (it helps that it is my Dad’s birthday). I took a cheap test in the morning before I left for work, and when it was positive I bought a “weeks estimator” test and took it in the bathroom at work. I came home and bought a Niners onesie to help surprise my hubby with the news. He was shocked since we had not even started “trying” yet. We were so excited and happy.

I have several friends, co-workers, a Mom, and a sister-in-law who had miscarriages so it was definitely on my mind, but I really thought it wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am, 365 days later, with no baby and a second miscarriage under my belt. It seems unreal that it’s been a year since the positive test and in three weeks or so it’ll be a year since the first missed miscarriage.

Yesterday affected me so much more than today. It must have been the anticipation leading up to today. I had dinner with a friend last night (the one I was suppose to be pregnant with who now has a 5 month old) and she let me do his bath, feed him his bottle, and put him to bed while she made dinner. While I was feeding him his bottle, the tears just started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor could I wipe them. Her son just looked at me with a concerned furrowed brow , as if to say “why are you crying”? Then he snuggled with me. It was a magical and sadly emotional experience that I am thankful to have had. I still have hope that I can someday have that moment with my own child.

My husband is out of town and I think that may have contributed to my feelings as well. We talked on his drive and I explained what happened. It sparked a great conversation on how the two of us experience loss and sadness differently and we need to discusse these things so we know how, and when, to support each other. He mourned our loss at the time of the event, while I have been having bouts of sadness all throughout the last 11 months. My feelings come up a lot less often now, but it’s still there and very real.

I am learning, still, that grief sneaks upon us when we least expect it.