Tag Archives: hope

Here we go…again…

July marks the month where we start trying again. I literally cannot believe that I’m writing those words. After 5 years of TTC, we are still at it. It’s such a surreal feeling.

July 9th was the 5 year anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test. We got pregnant on the first try. Living the dream, right? WRONG! It is unbelievable that after getting pregnant so easily I have experienced 5 miscarriages, a stillbirth, a uterine anomaly diagnosis, DOR and the miracle birth of my daughter. The whole story sounds like it’s someone’s nightmare, but nope, it’s my real freaking life. And I am actively choosing to continue what I assume will add more depth to the nightmare. Sometimes I seriously wonder what is wrong with me and why do I have such a desire to experience pregnancy and a successful live birth again after all we’ve been though. But I’m just not ready to give up on my body. I want this journey to end on my terms instead of on the shitty terms I’ve been dealt.

I have thought a lot about how I wish I had a different (in)fertility diagnosis. For example, I wish I needed IVF to conceive but was able to carry pregnancies with no issues. Or I wish I had a uterine septum instead of a unicornuate uterus. Obviously I have no idea what another road would have been like so I cannot really speculate that I would have preferred another path, but it certainly seems like it would have been less painful. Although, as I’m learning, pain is relative, so it’s likely I would have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings on another journey.

I had my cycle day 3 labs and AMH redrawn and boy are they shitty. My AMH had cut in half in 11 months from 1.2 to 0.6. My FSH is 14 but my E2 is 84, which means my FSH is being artificially suppressed and is likely higher. So now I’m in the full blown DOR zone and not just the likely DOR gray area. It makes me so upset that Colton died and that he may have been my last shot at a normal embryo. I hate the uncertainty of this road and that I have no idea if I will even be able to get pregnant again. But then I think about how I made 2 normal embryos last year and it can’t be that bad yet, right? I’m only 35 and while that’s considered to be of geriatric age for getting pregnant, so many people get pregnant and have no problems at this age and above. There was also a study that came out in 2017 basically saying that having low AMH and/or high FSH showed no difference in the ability of a non-infertile woman to get pregnant naturally. So I’m hoping that since I have never had a problem getting pregnant I am considered “non-infertile” and  I will still be able to get pregnant. Hopefully I still have some good quality eggs left. Too bad my uterus sucks and I have to gamble that the normal embryo implants in the right spot. Lastly I really hope that D&C did not screw up my lining but only time will tell.

Since March I have been taking ubiquinol, prenatal vitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, vitamin D, extra folic acid, and a B complex vitamin in hopes to improve my egg quality. I also re-read “It Starts with the Egg” by Rebecca Fett and have re-committed myself to eliminating toxins from my household items and food as much as I possibly can. I also plan to re-introduce baby aspirin next month (which I am a bit scared to do since I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn since Colton’s delivery, but it’s been a lot better recently). Since June I am also eating  no processed carbs, no dairy, no alcohol and no coffee. The no processed carbs and dairy are really easy for me. I had wine/beer on my vacation but that is actually easy for me to eliminate as well. I just wanted to enjoy my vacation and my 6 year wedding anniversary. But man do I love coffee. I did quit for a month, but started again this past week on vacation so now I have to eliminate it again.  There is something so magical about a cup of coffee in the morning. I sound like an addict…

And that’s where I’m at. Overall I am doing just fine considering my baby died 4.5 months ago. We’ve done a lot of fun things, and I am really enjoying my toddler a lot. She’s at such a fun age. I know I sound really negative in this post but I think a lot of it is apathy. It just seems like it’s a futile attempt so I just am finding it hard to really commit to putting my all into trying again. But then I really want to have another baby and there is always the underlying hope that maybe, just maybe, it will actually happen.

1st trimester is almost done (depending how you look at it…)

As of yesterday, I hit 13 weeks. Since I like averages, I’m in the camp of 13.3 is the end of the first trimester. That is in a couple of days! I spent 4 weeks to 12 weeks pregnant sick with some horrible virus that went from cold to horrific cough to sinus infection so I finally took some antibiotics and it cleared right up. I wish I would have taken them earlier but I also was really hesitant to take anything. I also waited to get my flu shot until I was better and I was even hesitant to get that, but I feel pretty strongly the benefits outweigh the risk. Plus for my job I have to have the shot or wear a mask from November to the beginning of April. No thanks!

Now I’m feeling actual pregnancy sickness. Pretty ironic I missed out on that because I was so incredibly ill! I’ve been super tired as well and incredibly bloated. But that’s it for symptoms so I guess I missed the worst of it. I did throw up once around 11 weeks and that was a pregnancy first (and hopefully last) for me.

We did the harmo.ny prenatal test because I am now almost advanced maternal age (but I feel so young). It took 6 business days and we found out everything is low risk and we are having a BOY! Both of us were shocked as I think we were preparing for a girl after the last loss being a boy. My husband always wanted one of each so I really hope this continues to go well and this is it for us!

I’ve been using my fetal Doppler to check the heartbeat once a week. I tried after my 10 week appointment and couldn’t find it, but I was successful at 11 weeks and it was still going strong as of yesterday. It’s so helpful for me otherwise I’d be in for frequent OB checks and I feel so silly for doing that even though they don’t seem to mind.

My next appointment is at 16 weeks and that is for my biweekly cervix checks until 24 weeks. Here we go again!

Heartbeat!

Just a heads up that I am talking about my current pregnancy here.

I have been so nervous leading up to this appointment because my pregnancy symptoms have been pretty light to non-existent. I did have one day last week where my boobs were killing me and I was cramping and nauseated, but that all faded away which made me think the worst.

Shockingly, I was so calm this morning. I just wanted to know. My husband was really surprised I was so calm, especially since we were expecting bad news and I was such an anxious wreck this week leading up to the appointment. We were late (which I absolutely hate but OMG traffic and accidents) so I was more stressed about that than the ultrasound itself.

All of my instincts were so incredibly wrong and today we saw a heartbeat of 150 with one baby measuring 7w to 7w 1d. By my charting, I should be 7w 2d so I feel pretty good about those dates. Due date is May 21.

Overall I’m feeling better about this pregnancy because we are the same gestational age today as I was when I miscarried last time after seeing the heartbeat. I’m also quite relieved that the baby is measuring on track according to my charting. I know we are not out of the woods yet (although with my uterine anomaly we are never really out of the woods) but today I feel hope and happiness.

I will have my intake phone appointment with the prenatal clerk next Thursday and then I meet with one of the OB’s at my doctors office on Friday afternoon. I would prefer to meet with my OB but she can’t see me until the 17th and I just can’t wait that long. I know if things keep progressing I will be seeing her soon because I really need the reassurance that things are still going well.

My husband and I both hope this is it!

In other news, A turned 2 yesterday! I took her to a farm about 30 mins from our house and she rode a pony, fed/pet goats, road a train, went in her first bounce house, and went on a hay ride. She LOVED it! Then we had some family over for dinner and she got her first chocolate cupcake, which she proceeded to devour only the frosting and get it everywhere. Our family friend got her some light up shoes that she is obsessed with. She was stomping around everywhere saying “lights on”! It was hysterical.

I am very thankful to have such an amazing and fun daughter. She makes my husband and I so happy.

>5000

I had my blood drawn yesterday, almost exactly 1 week later to the minute! That was certainly not intentional but kind of cool, right? Afterward, I spent the morning doing everything I could to distract myself from checking my email obsessively every 5 minutes (which was no easy task). Luckily, the nurse was very quick this morning and I only waited 2.5 hours to find out my beta had risen to 5,558! So I’m still in the game. These betas are better than my last pregnancy, and similar to my only successful pregnancy, so I’m choosing to take that as a good sign.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Oct. 4th, the day after A’s birthday. Based on my BBT, I think I will be 7w2d. I could have had it on the 2nd but I decided I’d rather spend A’s birthday with her not knowing the outcome so I could focus on her and not another miscarriage (although I’m hoping everything looks good, but I’d rather be in the dark/nervous than upset/sad). I took the day off of work for her birthday so we could do something fun! Also, 7w2d is one day farther along than the size of my last missed miscarriage and I’m hoping if things look good it will help me relax a little (famous last words, I don’t know how to relax during early pregnancy because of my history, especially after my last miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat).

Our whole family came down with a horrific cold and so I’ve been feeling incredibly awful for the past week. I even had to call in sick be because I lost my voice! It was insane. Of course I am worried this illness will affect the pregnancy, even though I know logically it will not. I also think it’s masked any pregnancy symptoms that I may be having as I feel a little off this morning (in a pregnancy way) but I also still just feel like absolute crap (in an illness way)! Here’s to hoping we all get better soon.

In other exciting news, my husband and I signed papers to buy our first house yesterday! We are buying his Grandparents place from his siblings and Mom, and we’ve been living here since Nov. 2017. We moved in with his ailing grandfather, and he unfortunately passed away in Feb 2018, much more quickly than we all anticipated. His family is glad the house will stay on the family and we are glad to finally be homeowners.

So now we begin another two week wait for the ultrasound, ugh. It’s so weird to be here again. My husband commented that we are just approaching the danger zone so while he’s so glad the blood draws look good, we are in no way out of the woods. Hopefully the universe will prove us wrong and there is nothing to be worried about.

Thank you everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. Hope everyone is well.

Lucky number 7?

I will be talking about another P here so please do not read if you’re not in the right space.

One week ago, I noticed some serious abdominal pain, gas and bloating and I just knew I was pregnant. So last Friday I took a cheap internet test and got a squinter. I was pretty sure I saw the line so I shelled out for a better test and I was for sure pregnant. This was at 10dpo.

I had started taking vaginal progesterone twice a day from 3dpo, and I have been taking baby aspirin for months. With my only successful pregnancy I took the vaginal progesterone from 3dpo so I am officially doing everything the same this time around.

I actually waited until 14dpo ask my RE for blood work. I wanted to see some higher numbers this time. My progesterone came back at 49.1, beating out my last progesterone by 1, so I’m still going with the assumption that progesterone is not an issue for me. My first beta came back at 98, and the second (at 16dpo, just over 48 hours later) is 268, so it more than doubled in the correct timeframe. Thank goodness!

The next step is to get a repeat HCG in a week. If things still look good I schedule a viability ultrasound around 7 weeks. I wish 7 weeks wasn’t the week of my daughters 2nd birthday but I don’t want to wait until 8 weeks and fudging the dates will put me at 6 weeks 1 day. That’s way too early in my opinion, especially after seeing a heartbeat around 6 weeks and then miscarrying at 7 weeks 1 day. I’d rather wait a little longer. I have a trip planned that throws a wrench in the scheduling of an ultrasound later on in week 6. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here.

As for pregnancy symptoms, I have had a little gas, bloating and minimal light cramping. But that’s it. I know it’s super early (16DPO) but my mind seems to remember way more cramping this early.

All of this being said, I have been here several times before and it’s fallen through every time but once. I am anxious and scared. But I also feel relaxed a lot of the time because I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I can only hope this embryo implanted in a cozy spot that has enough blood flow to get everything it needs until its birth at full term.

And thus begins the rollercoaster of emotions, anxiety, obsessing over pregnancy symptoms (or the lack thereof) and hope. Because I can’t help but have some hope, even if the odds are against me.

The next steps

Just a quick update to say I finally got my referral to the new RE and they had a cancelation so I’ll be meeting him next week. Most of the RPL labs I did last time were ordered and to my knowledge they look normal. Except for my beta 2 glycoprotein 1 came back positive. I did not have this drawn last time and from my research this can cause blood clotting during pregnancy contributing to miscarriages. Apparently to be considered an issue the test needs to be positive twice with 3 months in between tests. So it’ll be interesting to see what he has to say about that. I also asked for my FSH, E2, LH and AMH to be run for comparison.

Honestly I am mostly interested in a thorough uterine cavity evaluation looking for polyps or anything else that could cause issues. But if anything else can help us that would be great too!

I ovulated on CD 13 this month, which is unheard of for me. My earliest ovulation date is CD 17. Now I’m wondering if this in a one-off or if it’s an indication of my declining fertility. I guess only time will tell.

I have basically cut out all refined carbohydrates, sugar and alcohol. And I’m about to wean off the caffeine too! It’s been easier than I thought it would be so I’ll be keeping it up for as long as I can. I figure it can’t hurt, right?!

Emotionally I’m doing well. It took a little time but I have been going about my life and have been feeling pretty happy, all things considered. I hope we will be able to have another baby but if that is not in the cards, I think I’ll be ok. My husband said to me recently if I wanted to stop trying he is ok with that, even though he does want another child. It really helped to hear that. So we shall see.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Ultrasound day…

I am so impressed with myself making it to today with minimal anxiety. Being busy has helped immensely, as has the random nausea I’ve been having most days. Still with no to hardly sore breasts and minimal cramping though, which makes me nervous. A very different pregnancy for sure.

Of course yesterday I had no pregnancy symptoms so now I am pretty scared for my appointment later this morning. Just wanted to put it out there for the world to send me some good thoughts. I know the results are out of my control but I hate the anxiety that comes with scans.

Update to come later today. Thank you for being here for me and I wish you all good things.

First hurdle…check…

I will be talking about my pregnancy and ultrasound in this post. Please skip if you are not in the right place.

Somehow I made it through the last couple of weeks. I guess having a toddler, job, and taking a mini vacation to visit my BFF who moved to Chicago really helped the time fly by. I didn’t have nearly enough time to google everything (although I did my fair share of googling, which was basically pointless). I also peed on a couple more sticks, which was also pointless at this point and made me feel silly for wasting money.

My symptoms have been very mild to non-existent so while I was trying to hold onto the hope that my betas and progesterone were good, it was really hard to let go of all the ultrasound trauma I’ve been through with first trimester scans. I was especially worried that I have had almost no cramping, which was very present with my only successful pregnancy. So I also bought my favorite beer just in case.

My appointment was at the end of the day after a particularly slow and painful shift at work that did not keep me distracted. But she was able to find the baby almost immediately and we could all see the flickering heartbeat! It was 131, so perfect for this stage! Baby is measuring 6 weeks exactly, which is 4 days behind my assumed ovulation date I calculated with OPK and basal body temps. At this stage it’s within the margin of error so hopefully it’s just that and not some ominous sign.

Of course I was hoping for the good news we got, but I am also thankful not to be in limbo. Honestly that is harder than getting bad news because there is always that tiny shred of hope and then you get crushed all over again.

So if things continue to go well we will be having a baby on 12/24 (although I’m assuming he or she will be early just like baby A since last time I checked I still have a half uterus to work with). I am hopeful that it’s stretched out more this time and maybe he or she will be bigger.

My husband and I made chocolate chip cookies to celebrate tonight. They were delicious but I certainly regret eating 5 because now I feel yucky. Oh well, they were delicious!

Side note: A and I are basically at the end of our breastfeeding relationship. It’s been a little sad for me but it’s been on her terms and I am thankful for that. I let her latch on when she asks, which is usually in the mornings 2-3 times a week. I’m pretty sure she gets almost nothing

So the other morning she asked “di di’s” (her name for my boobs) so I let her latch on. She vigorously and unsuccessfully tried to get a let down on both sides. Then she proceeds to point at each of my nipples and say “broken”. I almost peed my pants laughing. It was so funny I just had to share.

Number 6….

This is a “P” post. Please do not read if you are not in the right space. I’ve decided to adopt these disclaimers as well because I think they are really sensitive to the places others may be in. I wish I would have adopted them earlier.

As I’m sure you can tell from my above disclaimer, I am pregnant again. Pretty surprised because I’m fairly sure I ovulated from my unconnected left ovary (although that’s based on my feeling of ovulation pain on that side so who knows how accurate that is). I thought my period was going to come because of a temp drop I always get on my period day, but it never showed and went back up the next day prompting my POAS addiction to start again.

My progesterone was 48, which is the highest I’ve ever had so I’m choosing to think that’s a good sign.

I am currently taking vaginal progesterone twice daily, my regular prenatal, extra folic acid, and 81mg baby aspirin.

My HCG is rising appropriately.

13dpo: 31

15dpo: 49 (73 hr doubling time, increase of 58%…side note this freaked me out because it was right on the cusp)

20dpo: 328(40 hour doubling time)

And now I’m in the horrible wait for that dreaded early ultrasound. I’ll be 6w4d if my fertility friend charting is correct. I have never posted about a P this early but I just really need to get it off my chest.

I feel relatively un-pregnant. I had one day of all day nausea so far 3 days ago, but it’s intermittent at best these past few days. No sore boobs, less cramping that I remember with my successful P with A, not super tired, and my bloating and gassiness has tapered off. I took meticulous notes on my former Ps and these symptoms are more consistent with my missed miscarriages than my successful P. But who the heck knows, it’s not an exact science, this is a “second” (edited to add a subsequent) pregnancy, and every pregnancy is different…or so they say. I certainly felt my 3rd beta was going to be bad because I felt all my bloating and gassiness lessen and I was wrong there.

So I thank all of you for being in this space with me and letting me air my anxieties (and celebrate a little bit as well). The ultrasound is on April 30 in the late afternoon, giving me 8 more days of torture.

Wow, that was a long time ago…

I finally updated my about me section! Thank you for the prompting Trisha!

It’s really insane to think I’ve had this blog up for almost 4 years, and that I’ve endured so much throughout this time. At this time 4 years ago my husband and I were getting ready for an amazing trip to England, Ireland, and Scotland, and then we were going to try for a baby. We had no idea the road we would travel to get our miracle baby. 3 miscarriages, a DOR diagnosis, and the shocking news of a unicornuate uterus.

It’s so weird to think back on who I was and how naive I used to be. I am so sensitive to pregnancy announcements still, although it’s gotten better. I am hyper sensitive also to people in my life that show signs of maybe being pregnant (not drinking, not participating in x-ray procedures at work, no sushi, their baby is about 1 and I know they want more kids). It’s hard because my husband wants another and I am willing to try, but I just hate that I’m back in the rabbit hole and there is no end in site. I don’t want to get obsessive but that is just the way I am…no half-ass jobs. And I really don’t want to be sad every time my friends expand their families and I am unable to do it too.

It really sucks trying to conceive in crappy conditions. I likely can only get pregnant if I ovulate from the right ovary (although you read stores about people getting pregnant from an unconnected ovary…) and it bums me out so much when I feel my ovulation pain on the left. I felt it on the left these past 2 months which is even more frustrating. And then I am hopeful because I managed to have that chemical pregnancy back in December so that has to be a good sign, right? Or maybe just an indication that my eggs are even worse this time around and I can’t even make it to the missed miscarriage stage (I sound so cynical but it’s just frustration). I’m just going with ignorance is bliss for now and not asking for these fertility tests that will crush my dreams of a second child the “easy” way.

We discussed that we probably won’t do IVF because it’s too expensive and my likely worse than before numbers will likely make it unsuccessful. So if we can’t get pregnant that leaves us with adoption or donor eggs/embryos. Also expensive. We haven’t discussed these as a couple but I certainly think about them a lot and weigh the options. And I have no idea which way I would go, or even if I would say screw it, let’s be a one child family (my husband really doesn’t want an only child so I don’t know how that would go over).

So there you have it. A rambling update on what is in my brain. I hope everyone is doing well.