Tag Archives: hope

Here we go…again…

July marks the month where we start trying again. I literally cannot believe that I’m writing those words. After 5 years of TTC, we are still at it. It’s such a surreal feeling.

July 9th was the 5 year anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test. We got pregnant on the first try. Living the dream, right? WRONG! It is unbelievable that after getting pregnant so easily I have experienced 5 miscarriages, a stillbirth, a uterine anomaly diagnosis, DOR and the miracle birth of my daughter. The whole story sounds like it’s someone’s nightmare, but nope, it’s my real freaking life. And I am actively choosing to continue what I assume will add more depth to the nightmare. Sometimes I seriously wonder what is wrong with me and why do I have such a desire to experience pregnancy and a successful live birth again after all we’ve been though. But I’m just not ready to give up on my body. I want this journey to end on my terms instead of on the shitty terms I’ve been dealt.

I have thought a lot about how I wish I had a different (in)fertility diagnosis. For example, I wish I needed IVF to conceive but was able to carry pregnancies with no issues. Or I wish I had a uterine septum instead of a unicornuate uterus. Obviously I have no idea what another road would have been like so I cannot really speculate that I would have preferred another path, but it certainly seems like it would have been less painful. Although, as I’m learning, pain is relative, so it’s likely I would have experienced the same heartbreaking feelings on another journey.

I had my cycle day 3 labs and AMH redrawn and boy are they shitty. My AMH had cut in half in 11 months from 1.2 to 0.6. My FSH is 14 but my E2 is 84, which means my FSH is being artificially suppressed and is likely higher. So now I’m in the full blown DOR zone and not just the likely DOR gray area. It makes me so upset that Colton died and that he may have been my last shot at a normal embryo. I hate the uncertainty of this road and that I have no idea if I will even be able to get pregnant again. But then I think about how I made 2 normal embryos last year and it can’t be that bad yet, right? I’m only 35 and while that’s considered to be of geriatric age for getting pregnant, so many people get pregnant and have no problems at this age and above. There was also a study that came out in 2017 basically saying that having low AMH and/or high FSH showed no difference in the ability of a non-infertile woman to get pregnant naturally. So I’m hoping that since I have never had a problem getting pregnant I am considered “non-infertile” and  I will still be able to get pregnant. Hopefully I still have some good quality eggs left. Too bad my uterus sucks and I have to gamble that the normal embryo implants in the right spot. Lastly I really hope that D&C did not screw up my lining but only time will tell.

Since March I have been taking ubiquinol, prenatal vitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, vitamin D, extra folic acid, and a B complex vitamin in hopes to improve my egg quality. I also re-read “It Starts with the Egg” by Rebecca Fett and have re-committed myself to eliminating toxins from my household items and food as much as I possibly can. I also plan to re-introduce baby aspirin next month (which I am a bit scared to do since I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn since Colton’s delivery, but it’s been a lot better recently). Since June I am also eating  no processed carbs, no dairy, no alcohol and no coffee. The no processed carbs and dairy are really easy for me. I had wine/beer on my vacation but that is actually easy for me to eliminate as well. I just wanted to enjoy my vacation and my 6 year wedding anniversary. But man do I love coffee. I did quit for a month, but started again this past week on vacation so now I have to eliminate it again.  There is something so magical about a cup of coffee in the morning. I sound like an addict…

And that’s where I’m at. Overall I am doing just fine considering my baby died 4.5 months ago. We’ve done a lot of fun things, and I am really enjoying my toddler a lot. She’s at such a fun age. I know I sound really negative in this post but I think a lot of it is apathy. It just seems like it’s a futile attempt so I just am finding it hard to really commit to putting my all into trying again. But then I really want to have another baby and there is always the underlying hope that maybe, just maybe, it will actually happen.

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1st trimester is almost done (depending how you look at it…)

As of yesterday, I hit 13 weeks. Since I like averages, I’m in the camp of 13.3 is the end of the first trimester. That is in a couple of days! I spent 4 weeks to 12 weeks pregnant sick with some horrible virus that went from cold to horrific cough to sinus infection so I finally took some antibiotics and it cleared right up. I wish I would have taken them earlier but I also was really hesitant to take anything. I also waited to get my flu shot until I was better and I was even hesitant to get that, but I feel pretty strongly the benefits outweigh the risk. Plus for my job I have to have the shot or wear a mask from November to the beginning of April. No thanks!

Now I’m feeling actual pregnancy sickness. Pretty ironic I missed out on that because I was so incredibly ill! I’ve been super tired as well and incredibly bloated. But that’s it for symptoms so I guess I missed the worst of it. I did throw up once around 11 weeks and that was a pregnancy first (and hopefully last) for me.

We did the harmo.ny prenatal test because I am now almost advanced maternal age (but I feel so young). It took 6 business days and we found out everything is low risk and we are having a BOY! Both of us were shocked as I think we were preparing for a girl after the last loss being a boy. My husband always wanted one of each so I really hope this continues to go well and this is it for us!

I’ve been using my fetal Doppler to check the heartbeat once a week. I tried after my 10 week appointment and couldn’t find it, but I was successful at 11 weeks and it was still going strong as of yesterday. It’s so helpful for me otherwise I’d be in for frequent OB checks and I feel so silly for doing that even though they don’t seem to mind.

My next appointment is at 16 weeks and that is for my biweekly cervix checks until 24 weeks. Here we go again!

Heartbeat!

Just a heads up that I am talking about my current pregnancy here.

I have been so nervous leading up to this appointment because my pregnancy symptoms have been pretty light to non-existent. I did have one day last week where my boobs were killing me and I was cramping and nauseated, but that all faded away which made me think the worst.

Shockingly, I was so calm this morning. I just wanted to know. My husband was really surprised I was so calm, especially since we were expecting bad news and I was such an anxious wreck this week leading up to the appointment. We were late (which I absolutely hate but OMG traffic and accidents) so I was more stressed about that than the ultrasound itself.

All of my instincts were so incredibly wrong and today we saw a heartbeat of 150 with one baby measuring 7w to 7w 1d. By my charting, I should be 7w 2d so I feel pretty good about those dates. Due date is May 21.

Overall I’m feeling better about this pregnancy because we are the same gestational age today as I was when I miscarried last time after seeing the heartbeat. I’m also quite relieved that the baby is measuring on track according to my charting. I know we are not out of the woods yet (although with my uterine anomaly we are never really out of the woods) but today I feel hope and happiness.

I will have my intake phone appointment with the prenatal clerk next Thursday and then I meet with one of the OB’s at my doctors office on Friday afternoon. I would prefer to meet with my OB but she can’t see me until the 17th and I just can’t wait that long. I know if things keep progressing I will be seeing her soon because I really need the reassurance that things are still going well.

My husband and I both hope this is it!

In other news, A turned 2 yesterday! I took her to a farm about 30 mins from our house and she rode a pony, fed/pet goats, road a train, went in her first bounce house, and went on a hay ride. She LOVED it! Then we had some family over for dinner and she got her first chocolate cupcake, which she proceeded to devour only the frosting and get it everywhere. Our family friend got her some light up shoes that she is obsessed with. She was stomping around everywhere saying “lights on”! It was hysterical.

I am very thankful to have such an amazing and fun daughter. She makes my husband and I so happy.

>5000

I had my blood drawn yesterday, almost exactly 1 week later to the minute! That was certainly not intentional but kind of cool, right? Afterward, I spent the morning doing everything I could to distract myself from checking my email obsessively every 5 minutes (which was no easy task). Luckily, the nurse was very quick this morning and I only waited 2.5 hours to find out my beta had risen to 5,558! So I’m still in the game. These betas are better than my last pregnancy, and similar to my only successful pregnancy, so I’m choosing to take that as a good sign.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Oct. 4th, the day after A’s birthday. Based on my BBT, I think I will be 7w2d. I could have had it on the 2nd but I decided I’d rather spend A’s birthday with her not knowing the outcome so I could focus on her and not another miscarriage (although I’m hoping everything looks good, but I’d rather be in the dark/nervous than upset/sad). I took the day off of work for her birthday so we could do something fun! Also, 7w2d is one day farther along than the size of my last missed miscarriage and I’m hoping if things look good it will help me relax a little (famous last words, I don’t know how to relax during early pregnancy because of my history, especially after my last miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat).

Our whole family came down with a horrific cold and so I’ve been feeling incredibly awful for the past week. I even had to call in sick be because I lost my voice! It was insane. Of course I am worried this illness will affect the pregnancy, even though I know logically it will not. I also think it’s masked any pregnancy symptoms that I may be having as I feel a little off this morning (in a pregnancy way) but I also still just feel like absolute crap (in an illness way)! Here’s to hoping we all get better soon.

In other exciting news, my husband and I signed papers to buy our first house yesterday! We are buying his Grandparents place from his siblings and Mom, and we’ve been living here since Nov. 2017. We moved in with his ailing grandfather, and he unfortunately passed away in Feb 2018, much more quickly than we all anticipated. His family is glad the house will stay on the family and we are glad to finally be homeowners.

So now we begin another two week wait for the ultrasound, ugh. It’s so weird to be here again. My husband commented that we are just approaching the danger zone so while he’s so glad the blood draws look good, we are in no way out of the woods. Hopefully the universe will prove us wrong and there is nothing to be worried about.

Thank you everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. Hope everyone is well.

Lucky number 7?

I will be talking about another P here so please do not read if you’re not in the right space.

One week ago, I noticed some serious abdominal pain, gas and bloating and I just knew I was pregnant. So last Friday I took a cheap internet test and got a squinter. I was pretty sure I saw the line so I shelled out for a better test and I was for sure pregnant. This was at 10dpo.

I had started taking vaginal progesterone twice a day from 3dpo, and I have been taking baby aspirin for months. With my only successful pregnancy I took the vaginal progesterone from 3dpo so I am officially doing everything the same this time around.

I actually waited until 14dpo ask my RE for blood work. I wanted to see some higher numbers this time. My progesterone came back at 49.1, beating out my last progesterone by 1, so I’m still going with the assumption that progesterone is not an issue for me. My first beta came back at 98, and the second (at 16dpo, just over 48 hours later) is 268, so it more than doubled in the correct timeframe. Thank goodness!

The next step is to get a repeat HCG in a week. If things still look good I schedule a viability ultrasound around 7 weeks. I wish 7 weeks wasn’t the week of my daughters 2nd birthday but I don’t want to wait until 8 weeks and fudging the dates will put me at 6 weeks 1 day. That’s way too early in my opinion, especially after seeing a heartbeat around 6 weeks and then miscarrying at 7 weeks 1 day. I’d rather wait a little longer. I have a trip planned that throws a wrench in the scheduling of an ultrasound later on in week 6. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here.

As for pregnancy symptoms, I have had a little gas, bloating and minimal light cramping. But that’s it. I know it’s super early (16DPO) but my mind seems to remember way more cramping this early.

All of this being said, I have been here several times before and it’s fallen through every time but once. I am anxious and scared. But I also feel relaxed a lot of the time because I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I can only hope this embryo implanted in a cozy spot that has enough blood flow to get everything it needs until its birth at full term.

And thus begins the rollercoaster of emotions, anxiety, obsessing over pregnancy symptoms (or the lack thereof) and hope. Because I can’t help but have some hope, even if the odds are against me.

The next steps

Just a quick update to say I finally got my referral to the new RE and they had a cancelation so I’ll be meeting him next week. Most of the RPL labs I did last time were ordered and to my knowledge they look normal. Except for my beta 2 glycoprotein 1 came back positive. I did not have this drawn last time and from my research this can cause blood clotting during pregnancy contributing to miscarriages. Apparently to be considered an issue the test needs to be positive twice with 3 months in between tests. So it’ll be interesting to see what he has to say about that. I also asked for my FSH, E2, LH and AMH to be run for comparison.

Honestly I am mostly interested in a thorough uterine cavity evaluation looking for polyps or anything else that could cause issues. But if anything else can help us that would be great too!

I ovulated on CD 13 this month, which is unheard of for me. My earliest ovulation date is CD 17. Now I’m wondering if this in a one-off or if it’s an indication of my declining fertility. I guess only time will tell.

I have basically cut out all refined carbohydrates, sugar and alcohol. And I’m about to wean off the caffeine too! It’s been easier than I thought it would be so I’ll be keeping it up for as long as I can. I figure it can’t hurt, right?!

Emotionally I’m doing well. It took a little time but I have been going about my life and have been feeling pretty happy, all things considered. I hope we will be able to have another baby but if that is not in the cards, I think I’ll be ok. My husband said to me recently if I wanted to stop trying he is ok with that, even though he does want another child. It really helped to hear that. So we shall see.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Ultrasound day…

I am so impressed with myself making it to today with minimal anxiety. Being busy has helped immensely, as has the random nausea I’ve been having most days. Still with no to hardly sore breasts and minimal cramping though, which makes me nervous. A very different pregnancy for sure.

Of course yesterday I had no pregnancy symptoms so now I am pretty scared for my appointment later this morning. Just wanted to put it out there for the world to send me some good thoughts. I know the results are out of my control but I hate the anxiety that comes with scans.

Update to come later today. Thank you for being here for me and I wish you all good things.