Tag Archives: Loss

Another date with misoprostol

As if the universe hasn’t dealt me enough shit already…

I passed some half dollar sized clots at 3 weeks postpartum, and had an ultrasound to make sure nothing was amiss at that time. I did not see my regular OB. Nothing was noted except a heavy uterine lining, which was expected. Relief overwhelmed me, because the doctor had to manually extract my placenta during my delivery, and I was expecting bad news.

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment today. Based on the fact that my bleeding has not lightened much, and in fact has become heavier and redder, I knew something was up, but I was hoping I was just one of the unlucky ones who bleeds a long time after birth.

As I undressed, I managed to bleed all over my legs, socks, and the floor. Glorious. Apparently there was a huge clot just sitting in my vagina making a mess everywhere. She removed it and took a quick look. Everything looked normal, and my pelvic exam was normal as well. Then she followed up with my gazillionth vaginal ultrasound.

The ultrasound showed I have what looks like some retained placenta. I have no idea how that was missed 3 weeks ago, but my OB said she looked at the previous picture and agreed nothing looked amiss there. My options are D&C or try misoprostol in hopes that it’ll cause enough contractions to get everything else out. I opted for the misoprostol, since I am intimately familiar with the workings of my body with this medication. I do not want a D&C if I can avoid it. At this rate I’m willing to bet my left toe that at my follow up next Friday I’ll still have some placenta in my uterus and I will have to have one anyway.

I had a whole host of questions about my stillbirth but the exam took so much time that I elected to save them for my follow up next week. We scheduled a 30 min slot before lunch to do a recheck and chat about the results. She provided me with the full report today so I can read over it and re-formulate my questions based on what I read.

Basically, there is nothing obvious that caused Colton to be stillborn. Maybe a cord accident, maybe placenta problems or a fetal arrhythmia. I wish there was a better answer. The ambiguity makes the next steps much harder for me.

I’m giving a huge F-YOU to my uterus right now. Feels like it just can’t do anything right.

Normal

I just got the results from the genetic testing performed on the baby. At first I just wanted to know if it was abnormal because knowing the sex makes it a little too real for me. But the baby was chromosomally normal. Then I had to know if it was a male or female because a female karyotype can mean the mother’s tissue was run instead of the baby’s. And the baby was a normal male.

So what does this mean for me? I really don’t know. The OB I spoke with (mine is on vacation) said that this only shows the chromosomes were correct, and something else could have been wrong. But it makes me wonder about my uterus and if the blood flow is just not that good. Maybe the baby has to implant in the perfect spot, and A was one in a million. It also makes me wonder about my first and third miscarriages, the ones where there was a baby to measure on ultrasound, and if he/she were normal as well. And maybe my odds of having a normal egg are better than I’m assuming they are. But that’s not really comforting because the goal is obviously to have a genetically normal egg that makes it to a full term, healthy baby.

I asked again about the referral to the new RE because I have a lot more questions now. I’m also a bit bummed that a microarray test was not ordered but I don’t think that’s something routinely done by regular OB’s, or even the RE’s, in my insurance plan. I tried. Oh well.

I called my husband crying. I feel so terrible about losing a normal baby. My husband really wants a boy so I feel like it’s a big blow to him even though he would never say so. He said it’s just news and it’s ok. I’ve been doing really well this week to so this has crushed my spirit a bit.

I also always felt like my first pregnancy was a boy, so maybe my body just miscarries boys (and I realize how ridiculous that sounds but that’s just how I feel)!

My follow up ultrasound is today to make sure my uterus is empty. I took a pregnancy test this morning and I’ve never been so annoyed to see a faint line. Figures, right?! I guess I’m going to ask for blood draws to make sure it goes to 0. I’m taking A to the appointment with me so hopefully the iPad and headphones will keep her entertained!

So one live birth, two abnormal pregnancies (chemical and one hardly developed), one normal, and two unknown.

What’s next?

Freak of nature

There are some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage in this post so please do not read if you’re squeamish or not in a good space.

This was the quickest miscarriage. Once the real cramping and back pain set in around 8:30pm, I took a Percocet and promptly fell asleep curled up with my heating pad in bed. I slept HARD and woke up around 4:30am with a heavy feeling. Once I sat on the toilet I knew I was going to pass the baby and I caught it with a strainer. I immediately felt relief that it was over quickly and simultaneously felt so incredibly sad. I could see the tiny outline of something in the sac, and when I picked it up it made me think this will be the only time I will hold this baby. Of course there were tears. My husband got up with me as I put it into the container with saline, and then into a plastic bag, and lastly into a paper bag before placing it in the refrigerator where it would wait until my doctors office was open.

My husband took the day off to be with me so he drove us to the doctor. It was really weird bringing my baby to the doctors office and navigating the system to make sure it made it to my doctor. Everyone I interacted with was really nice but I just hate the pity that you see and feel in their actions. I had to do a lot of waiting as my doctor was on a long phone call, so I just clutched the brown bag, and got to take one last look at the baby who wasn’t meant to be while alone in the nurses office. Now the waiting begins to see if we can determine anything about its genetics.

I really didn’t start bleeding like a period until Sunday afternoon, I just had lots of pretty gross looking blackish discharge. I even took the second dose of misoprostol Friday night hoping to get things moving. But surprisingly I am having no cramping since the actual bleeding began, so nothing like my normal periods.

I’ve been googling to see if I can figure out what kind of genetic issues can have a heartbeat and then pass. It looks like it could be trisomy 21, 18, 13 or turners syndrome. Or the really scary totally normal chromosomes, meaning I miscarried a perfectly normal baby. Which I’m not sure how I will deal with if I get that news. I do know the likely reason is genetic issues, especially with my egg quality history, but this half uterus really throws a wrench in things.

My OB is putting in a referral to a different RE so we can double check that nothing has been missed. Most likely that’ll include re-testing my day 3 labs and AMH, and AFC. It’s funny but I’m not sure I really want to do that just yet but I’m certainly interested in at least talking to the RE. Side note: I now work with my old REs, Drs. N and H, and I just prefer to keep my professional and personal lives separate, which is why I don’t want to go back to them at this time.

One of the reasons I hate telling people I’m pregnant is that I really don’t like un-telling them. It’s way easier to tell people I’ve had a miscarriage after the fact. Either way, it’s really hard to disappoint people with bad news. People usually don’t know what to say when someone has a miscarriage, but what do you say to the person who has had 5? Seriously, 5? I never in a million years thought I would be here. While I know I’m not alone in having this many miscarriages, I certainly feel alone, and I feel like a freak of nature with all these miscarriages and my half uterus. I just want to be normal, but what is normal anyway?

Thank you for reading if you made it through this post. And thank you for all of the support I’ve received.

Not the scan I was hoping for…

Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat. I’m so sad, but not surprised given my history. I should have been 8 + 3 but the baby was only measuring 7 + 1. This is the first time I have miscarried after seeing a heartbeat, which doesn’t make it suck any more or less than the other times…it just sucks.

My OB, as always, is amazing and I am still so incredibly thankful I switched to her. Super compassionate and willing to find answers and explore options for me. This time, I have again elected to use misoprostol (I am petrified of having a D&C). She recommends taking an antibiotic with it so I’m doing that as well. I will have a follow up appointment in two weeks to make sure everything has passed. She’s going to get in touch with the local RE to see if there is anything else we can do in the testing department (although I suspect not but I appreciate the gesture). She also entertained my request to try and get genetic testing on the baby. She called the lab and got instructions on what to do and then passed those on to me.

I have always wanted to do genetic testing but my last OB said there was no way to do it (which I now know is not true). I would like the closure of knowing if the baby was actually normal (meaning my uterus could be the problem) or if it’s chromosomal (which is the assumption based on the timing of my miscarriages and my egg quality lab results).

It’s time for me to go back to making all of the lifestyle changes I made in the past. I have actually continued to use green beauty products, soap/shampoo, and trying to avoid plastic, but my diet needs an overhaul. I’m not sure how crazy I will actually go but I know I need to cut out sugar. I’m sure I’ll blog more about this.

Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts. I truly appreciate having this community of wonderful ladies supporting me regardless of the outcome. Sending lots of love.

Now onto my date with misoprostol, ibuprofen, a warm pack, and possibly some Percocet.

Another miscarriage.

Well, keeping with my TTC tradition I have had another miscarriage. We started trying again recently. I figured I’m not getting any younger and my eggs already suck so we had better get on it. I got a positive pregnancy test on 14dpo (after a negative on 12dpo). But the lines on my tests just got lighter. Today my temperature dropped on 18dpo and I started bleeding on my lunch break. So technically a chemical.

I had my first beta drawn yesterday and I also had her check my progesterone. It’ll be interesting to see the numbers. I did not supplement with progesterone this time bc I wanted to see what happened. I highly doubt it would have done anything but I asked for a prescription for next time (if there is a next time). I also started baby aspirin once I got the positive. Maybe I should start after I ovulate next time? I don’t know.

I had decided to give it until April before I go back to my RE and run my numbers but I may change my mind after this. Or maybe not.

At least we didn’t go through a traumatic ultrasound for a missed miscarriage. Those still haunt me, and especially haunt my husband. This journey sucks.

Statistics

One percent of couples who have had two miscarriages will go on to have a third*

Fifty percent of couples will not find a cause for their miscarriages*

Sixty percent of couples in this situation will go on to have a baby in their next pregnancy*

I am that one percent. We are that one percent. Where we lie with respect to the other above statistics is yet to be seen.

I look at these numbers, thinking of how I found comfort in the one percent statistic. That’s a pretty small number. At the end of July, I was cautiously optimistic that we would bring home a baby after staring at a positive pregnancy test for the third time. We would not be in that one percent. I asked for betas, and they rose appropriately. I took progesterone twice a day. I quit drinking coffee. I exercised moderately and tried to remain calm and un-stressed. Our early ultrasound at six weeks one day showed a baby measuring at six weeks. The doctor said she could just barely make out a heartbeat (we couldn’t tell). Things seemed to be right on track.

But then, right as I hit seven weeks, my pregnancy symptoms disappeared. No more sore boobs or nausea. It was like déjà vu, as that’s exactly what happened in my first pregnancy. So I made an appointment. There was no heartbeat, and where we should have seen a seven week three day fetus, we saw one that had only grown to six weeks and one day. I took the ultrasound picture anyway.

Today, I lay on the couch, completing my third Misoprostol induced miscarriage. I’m a pro at this now. That’s something I never thought I’d say.

Now I hope we will be in the sixty percent. And I don’t know what side of the fifty percent I should hope to be on. Is it better to find a problem? What if the problem has no treatment? What if there is no problem? There are too many what ifs.

My regular OB still thinks it’s just bad luck. I can’t decide if I want to hug her or punch her. She’s been so supportive in so many ways but I felt like I had to twist her arm to get the fertility and genetics referrals (this is after telling me last time that you need to have three in a row to get these referrals so I have no idea why it was so difficult). She even thought that the fertility consult would be rejected since I can get pregnant. Luckily, she was wrong. Has she never experienced someone with three miscarriage in a row and no children? I can’t believe she still thinks it’s just bad luck because “early miscarriages are so common”.

I’m going to switch OB’s anyway because I associate that office with three of the worst experience of my life. My husband never wants to go there again. I need a clean slate. But I also need a doctor who believes me when I say something’s wrong. Because it’s not normal to have three miscarriages in a row. And I felt something was wrong after two. I wish I pushed harder but there is nothing I can do about that now.

I hate the unknown. We have an appointment with the REI clinic in a couple of weeks and a referral to a genetic counselor that I’m still waiting to hear from. I am compiling another list of questions, comments, observations, and things I would like to be investigated. This time I hope to come away satisfied that all angles have been covered.

Hopefully I won’t be another negative statistic.

*statistics extrapolated from http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1039328/understanding-recurrent-miscarriage

365 Days Later

One year ago today I had my first positive pregnancy test. I remember the day so well (it helps that it is my Dad’s birthday). I took a cheap test in the morning before I left for work, and when it was positive I bought a “weeks estimator” test and took it in the bathroom at work. I came home and bought a Niners onesie to help surprise my hubby with the news. He was shocked since we had not even started “trying” yet. We were so excited and happy.

I have several friends, co-workers, a Mom, and a sister-in-law who had miscarriages so it was definitely on my mind, but I really thought it wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am, 365 days later, with no baby and a second miscarriage under my belt. It seems unreal that it’s been a year since the positive test and in three weeks or so it’ll be a year since the first missed miscarriage.

Yesterday affected me so much more than today. It must have been the anticipation leading up to today. I had dinner with a friend last night (the one I was suppose to be pregnant with who now has a 5 month old) and she let me do his bath, feed him his bottle, and put him to bed while she made dinner. While I was feeding him his bottle, the tears just started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor could I wipe them. Her son just looked at me with a concerned furrowed brow , as if to say “why are you crying”? Then he snuggled with me. It was a magical and sadly emotional experience that I am thankful to have had. I still have hope that I can someday have that moment with my own child.

My husband is out of town and I think that may have contributed to my feelings as well. We talked on his drive and I explained what happened. It sparked a great conversation on how the two of us experience loss and sadness differently and we need to discusse these things so we know how, and when, to support each other. He mourned our loss at the time of the event, while I have been having bouts of sadness all throughout the last 11 months. My feelings come up a lot less often now, but it’s still there and very real.

I am learning, still, that grief sneaks upon us when we least expect it.