Tag Archives: managing emotions

1st trimester is almost done (depending how you look at it…)

As of yesterday, I hit 13 weeks. Since I like averages, I’m in the camp of 13.3 is the end of the first trimester. That is in a couple of days! I spent 4 weeks to 12 weeks pregnant sick with some horrible virus that went from cold to horrific cough to sinus infection so I finally took some antibiotics and it cleared right up. I wish I would have taken them earlier but I also was really hesitant to take anything. I also waited to get my flu shot until I was better and I was even hesitant to get that, but I feel pretty strongly the benefits outweigh the risk. Plus for my job I have to have the shot or wear a mask from November to the beginning of April. No thanks!

Now I’m feeling actual pregnancy sickness. Pretty ironic I missed out on that because I was so incredibly ill! I’ve been super tired as well and incredibly bloated. But that’s it for symptoms so I guess I missed the worst of it. I did throw up once around 11 weeks and that was a pregnancy first (and hopefully last) for me.

We did the harmo.ny prenatal test because I am now almost advanced maternal age (but I feel so young). It took 6 business days and we found out everything is low risk and we are having a BOY! Both of us were shocked as I think we were preparing for a girl after the last loss being a boy. My husband always wanted one of each so I really hope this continues to go well and this is it for us!

I’ve been using my fetal Doppler to check the heartbeat once a week. I tried after my 10 week appointment and couldn’t find it, but I was successful at 11 weeks and it was still going strong as of yesterday. It’s so helpful for me otherwise I’d be in for frequent OB checks and I feel so silly for doing that even though they don’t seem to mind.

My next appointment is at 16 weeks and that is for my biweekly cervix checks until 24 weeks. Here we go again!


Lucky number 7?

I will be talking about another P here so please do not read if you’re not in the right space.

One week ago, I noticed some serious abdominal pain, gas and bloating and I just knew I was pregnant. So last Friday I took a cheap internet test and got a squinter. I was pretty sure I saw the line so I shelled out for a better test and I was for sure pregnant. This was at 10dpo.

I had started taking vaginal progesterone twice a day from 3dpo, and I have been taking baby aspirin for months. With my only successful pregnancy I took the vaginal progesterone from 3dpo so I am officially doing everything the same this time around.

I actually waited until 14dpo ask my RE for blood work. I wanted to see some higher numbers this time. My progesterone came back at 49.1, beating out my last progesterone by 1, so I’m still going with the assumption that progesterone is not an issue for me. My first beta came back at 98, and the second (at 16dpo, just over 48 hours later) is 268, so it more than doubled in the correct timeframe. Thank goodness!

The next step is to get a repeat HCG in a week. If things still look good I schedule a viability ultrasound around 7 weeks. I wish 7 weeks wasn’t the week of my daughters 2nd birthday but I don’t want to wait until 8 weeks and fudging the dates will put me at 6 weeks 1 day. That’s way too early in my opinion, especially after seeing a heartbeat around 6 weeks and then miscarrying at 7 weeks 1 day. I’d rather wait a little longer. I have a trip planned that throws a wrench in the scheduling of an ultrasound later on in week 6. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here.

As for pregnancy symptoms, I have had a little gas, bloating and minimal light cramping. But that’s it. I know it’s super early (16DPO) but my mind seems to remember way more cramping this early.

All of this being said, I have been here several times before and it’s fallen through every time but once. I am anxious and scared. But I also feel relaxed a lot of the time because I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I can only hope this embryo implanted in a cozy spot that has enough blood flow to get everything it needs until its birth at full term.

And thus begins the rollercoaster of emotions, anxiety, obsessing over pregnancy symptoms (or the lack thereof) and hope. Because I can’t help but have some hope, even if the odds are against me.

Freak of nature

There are some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage in this post so please do not read if you’re squeamish or not in a good space.

This was the quickest miscarriage. Once the real cramping and back pain set in around 8:30pm, I took a Percocet and promptly fell asleep curled up with my heating pad in bed. I slept HARD and woke up around 4:30am with a heavy feeling. Once I sat on the toilet I knew I was going to pass the baby and I caught it with a strainer. I immediately felt relief that it was over quickly and simultaneously felt so incredibly sad. I could see the tiny outline of something in the sac, and when I picked it up it made me think this will be the only time I will hold this baby. Of course there were tears. My husband got up with me as I put it into the container with saline, and then into a plastic bag, and lastly into a paper bag before placing it in the refrigerator where it would wait until my doctors office was open.

My husband took the day off to be with me so he drove us to the doctor. It was really weird bringing my baby to the doctors office and navigating the system to make sure it made it to my doctor. Everyone I interacted with was really nice but I just hate the pity that you see and feel in their actions. I had to do a lot of waiting as my doctor was on a long phone call, so I just clutched the brown bag, and got to take one last look at the baby who wasn’t meant to be while alone in the nurses office. Now the waiting begins to see if we can determine anything about its genetics.

I really didn’t start bleeding like a period until Sunday afternoon, I just had lots of pretty gross looking blackish discharge. I even took the second dose of misoprostol Friday night hoping to get things moving. But surprisingly I am having no cramping since the actual bleeding began, so nothing like my normal periods.

I’ve been googling to see if I can figure out what kind of genetic issues can have a heartbeat and then pass. It looks like it could be trisomy 21, 18, 13 or turners syndrome. Or the really scary totally normal chromosomes, meaning I miscarried a perfectly normal baby. Which I’m not sure how I will deal with if I get that news. I do know the likely reason is genetic issues, especially with my egg quality history, but this half uterus really throws a wrench in things.

My OB is putting in a referral to a different RE so we can double check that nothing has been missed. Most likely that’ll include re-testing my day 3 labs and AMH, and AFC. It’s funny but I’m not sure I really want to do that just yet but I’m certainly interested in at least talking to the RE. Side note: I now work with my old REs, Drs. N and H, and I just prefer to keep my professional and personal lives separate, which is why I don’t want to go back to them at this time.

One of the reasons I hate telling people I’m pregnant is that I really don’t like un-telling them. It’s way easier to tell people I’ve had a miscarriage after the fact. Either way, it’s really hard to disappoint people with bad news. People usually don’t know what to say when someone has a miscarriage, but what do you say to the person who has had 5? Seriously, 5? I never in a million years thought I would be here. While I know I’m not alone in having this many miscarriages, I certainly feel alone, and I feel like a freak of nature with all these miscarriages and my half uterus. I just want to be normal, but what is normal anyway?

Thank you for reading if you made it through this post. And thank you for all of the support I’ve received.

Ultrasound day…

I am so impressed with myself making it to today with minimal anxiety. Being busy has helped immensely, as has the random nausea I’ve been having most days. Still with no to hardly sore breasts and minimal cramping though, which makes me nervous. A very different pregnancy for sure.

Of course yesterday I had no pregnancy symptoms so now I am pretty scared for my appointment later this morning. Just wanted to put it out there for the world to send me some good thoughts. I know the results are out of my control but I hate the anxiety that comes with scans.

Update to come later today. Thank you for being here for me and I wish you all good things.

365 Days Later

One year ago today I had my first positive pregnancy test. I remember the day so well (it helps that it is my Dad’s birthday). I took a cheap test in the morning before I left for work, and when it was positive I bought a “weeks estimator” test and took it in the bathroom at work. I came home and bought a Niners onesie to help surprise my hubby with the news. He was shocked since we had not even started “trying” yet. We were so excited and happy.

I have several friends, co-workers, a Mom, and a sister-in-law who had miscarriages so it was definitely on my mind, but I really thought it wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am, 365 days later, with no baby and a second miscarriage under my belt. It seems unreal that it’s been a year since the positive test and in three weeks or so it’ll be a year since the first missed miscarriage.

Yesterday affected me so much more than today. It must have been the anticipation leading up to today. I had dinner with a friend last night (the one I was suppose to be pregnant with who now has a 5 month old) and she let me do his bath, feed him his bottle, and put him to bed while she made dinner. While I was feeding him his bottle, the tears just started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor could I wipe them. Her son just looked at me with a concerned furrowed brow , as if to say “why are you crying”? Then he snuggled with me. It was a magical and sadly emotional experience that I am thankful to have had. I still have hope that I can someday have that moment with my own child.

My husband is out of town and I think that may have contributed to my feelings as well. We talked on his drive and I explained what happened. It sparked a great conversation on how the two of us experience loss and sadness differently and we need to discusse these things so we know how, and when, to support each other. He mourned our loss at the time of the event, while I have been having bouts of sadness all throughout the last 11 months. My feelings come up a lot less often now, but it’s still there and very real.

I am learning, still, that grief sneaks upon us when we least expect it.

An attempt at a work-up and other thoughts

I finally met with my OB/GYN about the two miscarriages. I went in armed with a list of questions and requests and left with a lot of reassurance from her that this is still within the realm of normal. She basically said she cannot order most of the tests I was requesting because it is not within her scope (it’s for the fertility specilists). And when I pushed for a referral I learned that her hands are tied. I am a member of K()aiser, and due to the joys of HMO insurance, I need to meet the criteria for a referral. That criteria is 3 miscarriages. Then I tried playing the “year of trying” card but it needs to be a year of trying without a pregnancy, and I’ve had two (failed…but that doesn’t matter in this situation).

I did manage to get her to order an ultrasound (regular) to check out if there are any abnormalities. It showed a possibility of a very small uterine polyp, which she says should not affect my chance of getting pregnant. I decided not to pursue any further investigation at this time because I’m scared to have any procedure that could cause scarring. Since I am able to get pregnant, I don’t want to mess with procedures just yet. If it starts to take a long time to conceive, then I’ll revisit the possibility of having the procedure. I’m thinking that if by the end of this year we are not pregnant I will request it.

I also looked into the possibility of an outside second opinion. However, it’s extremely expensive so I am letting it go for now. If we have a third miscarriage, my insurance covers the entire work-up and any procedures (except IVF). It is my gut feeling that something is really wrong, but for now I have to push those feelings aside. We have exhausted all of our options that we can afford right now and I have made peace with it. Honestly, I just hope we get pregnant quickly so if we are going to have a third miscarriage we can get it over with and move on to the next steps. I feel like it’s terrible to think like that but I just hate being in limbo. Obviously I’m really hoping that the third time is the charm, but I’m trying to have realistic expectations that will not crush me if it doesn’t work out.

Personally, I feel like this second miscarriage was easier than the first. I knew what to expect and I also had more realistic thoughts about the possibility of having a miscarriage. However, I’m trying to make some changes that may increase our odds next time I’m pregnant (hopefully I can get pregnant again). I read the book It Starts With The Egg upon seeing that many of the blogs I follow have done the same. I have started taking some extra supplements, have made some dietary changes, and have switched over to the most natural products I could find. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s realistic for me to do all of her suggestions but I’ve made peace with doing the best that I can.

I’m sick and tired of being sad and having my life revolve solely around trying to have a baby. I got a gym membership and have been doing personal training. It’s made me feel so empowered to take control of something (my health). It’s been 5 weeks of consistent work-outs and I feel great. My mood has been great and I’m sleeping better than I have in the past year. I am learning to let go of the things I can’t control while taking control of what I can. I am also doing pediatric ICU training at work. We just started and I am really excited to have something new at work to focus on. My hubby and I have several fun things lined up for this year like weddings, camping for our two year anniversary, and hiking half dome (side note: I am freaking out a little bit about my minor fear of heights while doing this hike. But I’m just trying to keep it in perspective and I will not be mad at myself for stopping before I reach the top if I can’t handle it).

Now we try again. Oddly enough, my CD1 is literally one day off from my June cycle last year, the one that resulted in my first miscarriage. If my cycle length is the same then I’ll be on par with last year. That will be really weird. I’m hoping its a sign! This cycle, I’m temping and using OPK’s to see if things are the same. If so, I plan on not doing any monitoring because it’s just too much pressure. My temps were a little wacky for the first 10 days of my cycle but now they seem to be more stable. No positive (or really anything) on the OPK yet. I’m wondering if I’ll even ovulate this cycle as it’s the first one after miscarriage number two.

It is what it is…

You existed

Dear Baby,

Today would have been your due date. You may not be here with me in the flesh, but your memory lives on in my heart. I am not an emotional mess anymore, but I still feel so much sadness that I will never get to have you in my arms. I cherish your memory and relish the thoughts about what could have been. What would your cry sound like? What would your birth weight have been? Would we have even made it to your due date and beyond, or would you have been an early bird? What color would your eyes and hair be? How much love would your daddy and I feel for you?

I just want you to know how much you were wanted and how much I love you. While you may not be recognized by the medical world, or my friend and family, you were very real to Daddy and I. Those few weeks where I carried you were some of the best weeks of my life, full of so much anticipation and dreaming. And the day I found out you had left this world way too soon was the worst day of my life. I would have given so much to have you here, safe and healthy, with us. But sometimes, no matter how much we want something, it’s not meant to be. And that’s out of my control.

What at I can control is how much I love you, and I can continue to honor your memory. I hope that whatever happened to you, that you know how much you mean to me, and that you will always be in my heart. You existed to me, and that’s what matters.

I love you,