#2

Hello blog world. I’ve been MIA for a while because I found out I was pregnant again on March 24. Spoiler alert: I’m now sitting on the couch waiting for the Misoprostol to work so I can get miscarriage #2 over with and move on with my life.

We were so happy, and then I proceeded to completely ignore the fact that I was pregnant until the ultrasound. That was April 22. Almost a month of bliss (who am I kidding, it was a month of pure torture). I honestly had some nausea this time. It was especially bad at the beginning. But I hardly had sore boobs and really didn’t feel pregnant. Not that I actually know what it’s like to feel pregnant and have a successful pregnancy. But the feeling wasn’t right.

The ultrasound showed a sac but only a blip inside it. I was very sure of my dates and even if I was off, there still should have been a heartbeat. The doctor who scanned me had me draw blood that showed decreasing HCG levels but she still thought we should rescan. So that happened today. I had my regular OB this time and she said the sac measured 8 weeks but there was only a tiny blip in the sac. So no viable pregnancy (I wasn’t holding my breath for a good outcome). I’m a realist at heart.

She said for my next pregnancy (assuming that happens) we can do progesterone supplementation as a precaution. Obviously I’m going to do it but it certainly seems that isn’t the problem. If it was, I think I’d have already started bleeding, but I’m no doctor. I also asked her to do some tests because autoimmune diseases run in my family and it seems like the likelihood of something being wrong is greater after two losses and no live births. She really doesn’t think anything is wrong, and that I don’t yet meet the criteria for recurrent pregnancy loss. Hopefully she’s right.

The tests she ordered were as follows: TSH, lupus anticoagulant, anticardiolipin (apparently the same as antiphospholipid), pT and pTT. I was not on top of my game and should have pushed harder for more but I will do that later. Does anyone have any suggestions for what else I should test for?

I am so heartbroken that this happened again. I feel like my body is unable to perform its main biological function. And not only can I not stay pregnant, it takes my body forever to figure out that it’s time to miscarry. It’s so frustrating. On top of that I’m so sick of being sad. I’ve been sad since August when we experienced our first loss. Yeah, I’ve been just fine, but I certainly don’t feel happy. I think I’m going to get a gym membership once the miscarriage is done so I can get my body back into shape. I’ve been so lazy and unmotivated in the last 9 months. I’m also going to seek out some counseling, as I think it would be helpful.

I still have plenty of hope that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term and successfully have a healthy baby that lives a long and productive life. For now, it is what it is.