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Random question

Hi everyone!

I have been commenting on blog posts for the last two days but they are not registering. I see them posted after I hit reply but once I go back in the app the comment is not there. I tried to reinstall the app on my phone, and also tried the app on my iPad, in addition to going on the regular internet (gasp) and nothing worked. Any suggestions? Or can you see my comments? MPB and Nara, I’ve definitely commented on your blogs over the past couple days. Can you see them?

Help!! Thanks 

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Wish you were here…

Today would have been the due date of my baby from pregnancy number three. I just wanted to let my baby know that even though I never held you in my arms, you are held so very tightly in my heart. Mommy loves you and hopes you are safely tucked in with your angel siblings. xxx 

I am not alone

The other night, I did something that I’ve been afraid to do. I went to a support group for people who have lost babies, from miscarriage to still birth, to infant death in the first year. Honestly, the reason I’ve been so scared to do this is that I feel like society and my friends don’t recognize miscarriages as the loss of a baby. If these losses had happened further along, maybe I wouldn’t have these feelings of bring a fraud but that’s not the reality of my situation. So I was scared to go to a group where people had lost their babies much further along than I did. 

We all introduced ourselves and summarized our stories. I happened to go last, and I was feeling very nervous to speak because no one there had lost a baby any earlier than 20 weeks. I shared briefly about my three miscarriages and how I was scared to be there and how I was feeling very alone because I don’t know anyone in real life who has experienced anything like me. One of the facilitators then shared that she has had 4 miscarriages, and I instantly felt at ease because here was someone, with a markedly different experience, who knew what it was like to suffer multiple miscarriages. 

I am not alone. While I know this deep down, I certainly feel alone. However, I realized that all of us could relate to the feelings of losing our child(ren). I felt that everyone understood my sorrow and pain, and was so supportive and caring. I found myself identifying with so many of the feelings that were communicated during the meeting. One of the other members even said that he now understands that whenever you lose a pregnancy, no matter how far along, that you are losing all of your hopes and dreams for that child. That was something he could never understand before he lost his baby. I am so glad I went to this support group, glad that my fear was finally squashed, and thankful that there are support groups for those of us that have suffered tragedy. 

Due date #2

Just a little note to remember my second pregnancy. To the baby I never got to hold, you will forever be in my heart and you are very real to me. Mommy loves you so much and wishes you were here with her. 

SIS and Progesterone Update

  
I had my saline ultrasound (SIS) this past Friday. Wow, the cramping I’ve read about was no joke but it was over quickly. I think it was due to the balloon inflating from the catheter. I did take 800mg of ibuprofen an hour beforehand, but I am still a little uncomfortable even today, and I’m still spotting. 

Dr. N first did a look with just the probe, and did an AFC (since it was cycle day 5, which is close enough to 3 I guess). I had 7 follicles on the right, and he could just make out 1 on the left, with a whopping 27mm cyst on that side. I’d like to think that the other follicles were blocked by the cyst but apparently that’s not the case. He thinks the cyst is probably left over from last months ovulation. It was huge. I have no idea what I’m looking for on the ultrasounds and I could even see it. 

Once he did the saline part, the only abnormality he could see was a small polyp. He says he can almost always tell if he will see something when he just uses the regular ultrasound, and it was pretty tiny. I did have a pelvic ultrasound back in July and they thought they saw a small polyp then, so I guess it’s just been hanging out in my body. Awesome. 

We then met in his office and we discussed the procedure. He recommends removing the polyp (hysteroscopy), so I’m waiting for the surgery department to call me to schedule it. We are also going to do an HSG just to check and make sure my tubes are open. I’ll do that on Tuesday. 

My AFC on the right is in the gray area (they like more than 10, and less than 5 is considered bad) but my left side sucks. Those numbers are consistent with my AMH and FSH so it looks like the beginnings of DOR. 

The plan is to get the other two procedures done and then we will meet and develop a more aggressive plan for getting me pregnant. As much as I wanted to push for that plan now, there is no point because I’ll be on birth control until both procedures are done. What a joke, right? Trying to get pregnant and now I’m back on birth control. Hilarious!  

As for my progesterone level 7 DPO, it was 9. They like it to be >10, so I’m border line. Looks like I’ll be taking progesterone suppositories each cycle from now on, just in case. 

At the end of the appointment he commented that I have such a young face and he’s just so surprised at my numbers given my age. It makes me sad too, as I’ve always been healthy. 

Also, this last cycle I think I may have had a chemical pregnancy. We were on vacation at the Grand Canyon and my luteal phase was 3 days longer than normal. Either the OPK/temping was wrong about my ovulation date or I was briefly pregnant. I decided not to test on vacation and then I stated my period so that was that. It was much heavier than normal on the first day. Who knows, but I am actually glad I don’t know. 

 The picture at the beginning is sunrise, and the picture below is from sunset. The Grand Canyon is so awesome, but the pictures don’t do it justice.  

An attempt at a work-up and other thoughts

I finally met with my OB/GYN about the two miscarriages. I went in armed with a list of questions and requests and left with a lot of reassurance from her that this is still within the realm of normal. She basically said she cannot order most of the tests I was requesting because it is not within her scope (it’s for the fertility specilists). And when I pushed for a referral I learned that her hands are tied. I am a member of K()aiser, and due to the joys of HMO insurance, I need to meet the criteria for a referral. That criteria is 3 miscarriages. Then I tried playing the “year of trying” card but it needs to be a year of trying without a pregnancy, and I’ve had two (failed…but that doesn’t matter in this situation).

I did manage to get her to order an ultrasound (regular) to check out if there are any abnormalities. It showed a possibility of a very small uterine polyp, which she says should not affect my chance of getting pregnant. I decided not to pursue any further investigation at this time because I’m scared to have any procedure that could cause scarring. Since I am able to get pregnant, I don’t want to mess with procedures just yet. If it starts to take a long time to conceive, then I’ll revisit the possibility of having the procedure. I’m thinking that if by the end of this year we are not pregnant I will request it.

I also looked into the possibility of an outside second opinion. However, it’s extremely expensive so I am letting it go for now. If we have a third miscarriage, my insurance covers the entire work-up and any procedures (except IVF). It is my gut feeling that something is really wrong, but for now I have to push those feelings aside. We have exhausted all of our options that we can afford right now and I have made peace with it. Honestly, I just hope we get pregnant quickly so if we are going to have a third miscarriage we can get it over with and move on to the next steps. I feel like it’s terrible to think like that but I just hate being in limbo. Obviously I’m really hoping that the third time is the charm, but I’m trying to have realistic expectations that will not crush me if it doesn’t work out.

Personally, I feel like this second miscarriage was easier than the first. I knew what to expect and I also had more realistic thoughts about the possibility of having a miscarriage. However, I’m trying to make some changes that may increase our odds next time I’m pregnant (hopefully I can get pregnant again). I read the book It Starts With The Egg upon seeing that many of the blogs I follow have done the same. I have started taking some extra supplements, have made some dietary changes, and have switched over to the most natural products I could find. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s realistic for me to do all of her suggestions but I’ve made peace with doing the best that I can.

I’m sick and tired of being sad and having my life revolve solely around trying to have a baby. I got a gym membership and have been doing personal training. It’s made me feel so empowered to take control of something (my health). It’s been 5 weeks of consistent work-outs and I feel great. My mood has been great and I’m sleeping better than I have in the past year. I am learning to let go of the things I can’t control while taking control of what I can. I am also doing pediatric ICU training at work. We just started and I am really excited to have something new at work to focus on. My hubby and I have several fun things lined up for this year like weddings, camping for our two year anniversary, and hiking half dome (side note: I am freaking out a little bit about my minor fear of heights while doing this hike. But I’m just trying to keep it in perspective and I will not be mad at myself for stopping before I reach the top if I can’t handle it).

Now we try again. Oddly enough, my CD1 is literally one day off from my June cycle last year, the one that resulted in my first miscarriage. If my cycle length is the same then I’ll be on par with last year. That will be really weird. I’m hoping its a sign! This cycle, I’m temping and using OPK’s to see if things are the same. If so, I plan on not doing any monitoring because it’s just too much pressure. My temps were a little wacky for the first 10 days of my cycle but now they seem to be more stable. No positive (or really anything) on the OPK yet. I’m wondering if I’ll even ovulate this cycle as it’s the first one after miscarriage number two.

It is what it is…

<3

“I love you pretty lady. We’re gonna be old together.”

I woke up to this text this morning. Thank you B. You always make me feel better. I am so thankful that if I have to go through this, I am lucky enough to go through it with your love and support.